


Fall Out

by akitaotis



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Timothy McGee Bashing, Tony DiNozzo Leaves NCIS Team, Ziva David Bashing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24534151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akitaotis/pseuds/akitaotis
Summary: Tony couldn’t remember when had he stopped feeling like a part of the team, but he knew it’s been way too long. When a simple case pushed the strains to new height, Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo made a life-changing decision.
Relationships: Anthony DiNozzo & Jethro Gibbs
Comments: 114
Kudos: 427





	1. Fall Out

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written years ago during the ‘Tony treated badly by team and leaves NCIS’ trend. thought I might get it out after I unearthed it from an old drive. I hope there’s still people interested in this type of story. All feedbacks are welcome and appreciated.

Agent DiNozzo was sitting in the back of the van with Agent McGee beside him. Their boss Agent Gibbs drove the vehicle like a crazed man possessed, Agent David riding shotgun beside the older man. Going out on a mission with his trusted teammates should be exciting and reassuring, except Tony DiNozzo hasn't felt any of those positive emotions about his team for a long time.

The two younger agents had always thrown snarky comments at DiNozzo in response to his teasing words. But for the last couple of months, their comments gradually turned sharp and insulting. They started directly criticizing his personality, saying what they would do was the better solution, and implying Tony was incompetent and under-qualified for Senior Field Agent's position.

Just recently Tony felt the two agents' attitudes toward him were borderline hostile, which just made going into work every day close to suffering. What was worse, Jethro Gibbs, his boss slash mentor not only ignored all the cruel words thrown at his SFA, sometimes he even added a few of his own. Tony couldn't figure out his boss' motive, but he also couldn't bring himself to confront the older man about it. The added pressures from the man he trusted the most only made Tony's life more difficult than it already was.

Getting closer to their destination, Tony let out a silent sigh. He just hoped nothing went wrong today and he wouldn't somehow screw up and gave his teammates more ammunition against him.

NCISNCISNCIS

It was a simple takedown, nothing complicated. Four no-name drug dealers murdered a petty officer on a hit and run, not the brightest idea Tony added mentally. They had located the four-men group in a secluded warehouse. Go in, subdued the bad guys, get out. Just another normal day at work.

Team Gibbs broke into the warehouse and a brief gunfight took place, the team was split up in the process. Three gunmen were easily subdued, McGee was in the process of cuffing a criminal Tony had shot in the shoulder, so he didn't notice the fourth man sneaking up from a dark corner with a raised gun, but DiNozzo did. Seeing the man's gun was already leveled at Tim's head, Tony didn't waste time shouting a warning, instead leaped forward and tackled the man in one fluid motion.

The pair fell to the ground with a grunt. Tony quickly relieved the man of his weapon but it seemed he got the short straw of which dirtbag to deal with today. The man was a big mass of solid muscle, thrashing around with all his might. Tony was doing all he could to pin the man on the ground and not get shaken off. An elbow caught his cheek and Tony had had enough, he slammed the squirming head roughly into the ground. "Damnit knock it off already!"

Tony heard a snap of metal before looking up, seeing McGee securing a set of cuffs around the wrists of the man beneath him. He managed to mutter a 'Thanks probie.' before the other two team members joined them.

"You done sitting on your ass DiNozzo? Stop straddling the criminal and get them out of here." Gibbs came over with two other cuffed men in tow, Ziva trailing behind him. "Well, at least Tim got some work done." The female agent smirked at Tony, before sending an approving look at McGee.

Ok, that stung a little, but it wasn't unusual from them nowadays. McGee and Ziva had already established Tony was not fit for team lead years ago after Gibbs' hiatus. During his unwanted leadership, McGee and Ziva refused to recognize DiNozzo as team lead and question every moves he made, doubting his judgment and ability all the time. Gibbs had eventually returned, but the two junior agents' attitudes and impressions about Tony seemed to stay in place ever since.

But Tony just couldn't figure out when had Gibbs somehow joined the Screw DiNozzo Club. He had stopped asking for Tony's input during an investigation, giving him nuisance works that were usually reserved for the probationary agent, and generally treated him like the man didn't even want to tolerate DiNozzo's presence. Tony couldn't even remember when had it started.

As Tony got up from the cuffed man, the other three were already walking out of the warehouse. Gibbs placed a gentle hand on McGee's shoulder. "Good job Tim." Then McGee was grinning stupidly like he just got the best Christmas present.

What the hell? When had the second B for bastard Gibbs started causally giving compliments anyway? And to the probie with so much proud, who merely put the handcuff on the man. While Tony, who did the hard work taking the man down, and probably saved McGee's life in the process, got the cold shoulder and snide comments?

Watching the cuffed gunmen got taken away, Tony DiNozzo once again asked himself the question that's been plaguing his head for months.

" _Just what am I still doing here?"_

NCISNCISNCIS

The team had being back in the bullpen for half an hour, finishing up their reports after the raid. All three agents were typing silently on their computers when Gibbs stood up and announced.

"Coffee break. McGee, with me."

And that damn smug look returned to McGee's face. What is up with him and Gibbs today anyway? With a cheery 'Yes Boss.' McGee quickly got up and followed the lead agent out.

"Wow is today your birthday McGoodBoy? Sorry I didn't bring you any present." Tony couldn't help but throw in his sarcastic comment. Did Gibbs suddenly felt like Tim should be his second instead of him now? To Tony's further annoyance, McGee didn't take the bait and shoot his smug comment back.

"That's alright Tony, I've already got something better than anything you could ever give me anyway. Let's go Boss." The probie even had the tendency to look proud of himself. All McGee did today was putting cuffs on downed criminals and he's acting like he just received a damn medal! Tony was ready to return to the banter when surprisingly, Gibbs chimed in.

"Stop harassing your teammate DiNozzo and finish your report. Or you gonna slack off like in the warehouse?"

What the hell? Where did that one come from? They were split up in the warehouse, but why would Gibbs ever think his SFA was slacking off during a raid? Tony realized the only time Gibbs saw him was of him getting up from the downed dirtbag McGee was cuffing. Despite that, why would Gibbs assume something like that about him? Tony just couldn't stomach the comment and he decided to let some truth out.

"I was slacking off? McGeek's brain would be spilled on that warehouse floor right now if I hadn't tackled that dirtbag you know?"

That stopped the two agents on their way to the elevator. Tony waited for McGee to send him a 'Thanks Tony.' or even a 'Good job DiNozzo.' from his boss. To his shock, all Tony received was a slap to the back of his head. A hard one. Tony winced at the force behind the attack as he looked up at the fuming man who had delivered it.

"You think your teammate's life is a joke, DiNozzo?" Now the look on Gibbs's face was pure fury with McGee snickering behind him. Wait, a joke? they thought he made it up as a joke? What the hell were they thinking?

"Wow Tony, that's a twisted one even from you. You sure you aren't just making this up because you're jealous Boss gave me a Good Job Tim?"

"The hell? You guys think I would make something like this up? For what?" Tony asked incredulously. Doubting his ability at work was one thing, but to think he would make a joke about his teammate's death? Is that what they think of him now? Of all the people, Gibbs should know him better than that, shouldn't he?

"To seek attention of course, Tony. That is what you are always doing, is it not? Gibbs and I apprehended our people while you just sat on the floor. And that was a rude thing to say about Tim." Ziva just had to get her word in somehow. The female agent had moved closer when she saw things were getting tense and just had to add her comment to make DiNozzo more miserable. Before Tony could sputter an indignant reply, Ziva stepped up beside Gibbs and asked the older man.

"Do you mind if I tag along, Gibbs? I could use a cup of drink as well." Ziva let the words out smoothly while throwing a mocking smile at the Senior Field Agent.

She hadn't even finished her reports and she's asking for a coffee break? DiNozzo would get his head slapped off if he tried that. To Tony's surprise, Gibbs grunted then nodded his head toward the elevator, and that was as close to an agreement as one can get in Gibbs Behavior 101. Seriously? They would all leave him behind just like this?

"Get back to work DiNozzo. You better have those reports on my desk before we're back, or don't bother coming in tomorrow." That's the word Gibbs left him as he headed for the elevator, McGee and Ziva followed as they threw cocky grins at Tony's way.

And comes the 'Do as I so or you're gone.' line again. Of all the abusive words he took every day, this one irritated Tony the most. Not waiting for the remaining agent's reaction, the trio disappeared behind the closed elevator door. Tony just stared at the spot he last saw his teammates unbelievably. They had left for a brief celebration of a job well done, leaving the man who had ensured his friend wasn't injured on the raid today behind.

This was too much, has been for way too long. Tony kept lying to himself that things would get better, he just had to keep doing his job and one day the others would realize how unfair they've been treating him. But now he simply ran out of the capacity to believe in that fairytale. He was no longer recognized as a team member. An unwanted outsider, that's what Agent DiNozzo was now. No matter what he did, he'll always be the butt of the joke, and none of his supposed teammates trust, respect, or care about him anymore. Sure he acted childishly and goof around occasionally, but he still put all he had into the job of being an agent. Did he really deserve all the disrespect and unfair put-down thrown his way on daily basis?

McGee and Ziva both had their specialties, they were younger and more sure about themselves, Tony could see how they thought they could just walk all over him despite he was technically their superior. But Gibbs, the man that had brought him in and taught him so much over the years started despising him as well? That was one thing Tony just couldn't handle. Deep down he had come up with a theory for Gibbs' behavior, but he really didn't want that reason to be true.

Something has to change. Tony DiNozzo already has lots of self-worth issues thanks to his own father, now he was being stripped apart every day by the people who were once his friends. He had to do something before they destroy the last of his dignity for good.

Decision made, Tony sat back at his desk. Giving a grateful nod to a few agents who were sending him sympathetic looks, he opened a new file and started typing. He had some paper to fill out after all.

NCISNCISNCIS

The three agents came back from their coffee break about 30 minutes later, but DiNozzo was nowhere in sight when they stepped out of the elevator.

McGee looked around, hoping Tony already had the paperwork ready on Gibbs' desk so he wouldn't need to endure another round of the older man's wrath. Tim had felt a little bad about the comment he threw at the Senior Field Agent before they left. He knew Tony was the one holding the gunman down and he simply applied the handcuff, but to say he had tackled the man and saved McGee's life? that's just DiNozzo's various ways to bait attention and reaction. Besides it wasn't every day he got a compliment from the lead agent, so McGee didn't dwell too long on the subject and went back to his desk.

Ziva had thought Tony's behavior was a bit out of place. Normally the man would fight finger and hair to tag along, or was it tooth and nails? Anyway, the way DiNozzo just quiet down and not try to follow them just made Ziva a bit uneasy, but it didn't bother her too much. After all, it's time for that man to start acting like an adult instead of a needy child anyway. With that brief thought gone, Ziva also sat down and started back on her half-finished report.

Grunting at DiNozzo's desk, which was suspiciously clean and empty. Gibbs simply walked past and toward his own. Just as Gibbs reached his destination he saw a familiar-looking box and a stack of paper sitting on his desk. As Gibbs picked up the first page, Tony walked down from the stairs back to the bullpen.

That's the moment all hell broke loose.

"DiNozzo! What in the hell is this!"

The sudden bark startled the two junior agents. But Tony, who was usually the most reactive one to the lead agent's mood, just calmly walked down and stared emotionlessly at the older man.

"My resignation, effective immediately. The Director got a copy as well. Is there a problem Agent Gibbs?"

McGee and Ziva's startled eyes shot toward the man, what kind of prank Tony was playing to piss Gibbs off now? But Tony's green eyes just looked dull and lifeless without their usual mischief. Wait, was DiNozzo being serious now?

Throwing the paper back onto his desk, Gibbs strode purposefully toward the younger man. Any lesser man would've backed away in terror from the Marine's advance, but Tony didn't so much as blink for once.

"You better got a good reason for this. What? Not been invited on a coffee run hurt your feeling?"

Tony should be hurt by the comment, but he's just completely numb now. Just a little longer Gibbs' opinion wouldn't mean anything to him anymore.

"No Agent Gibbs, my feeling is none of your concern. I feel like there's nothing more I could contribute to the team, so I figured it's my time to leave, that's all."

"Who I want or not want on my team is for me to decide, DiNozzo. Explain yourself now before I make you." Again with the threatening, which only made Tony more sure about his decision of leaving. It seemed the only emotions Gibbs was capable to show him nowadays were anger and frustration. It would only result in his own destruction if he stayed any longer.

"I think you'd rather we take this conversation to your office, Agent Gibbs."

"No DiNozzo. You got something to say, you do it right here. Got a problem with that?" The challenge was obvious in Gibbs' clipped tone. Well, it wasn't his face Tony was trying to save, but his former boss' anyway. If he wanted to do it publicly, who was Tony to hold back on him, right?

"No problem at all, _Agent Gibbs_. I'll tell you exactly what I want to say. First of all, _I am not your property_. You don't get to chain me here like a damn dog.

Secondly, I've finally figured you out. Some undetermined time ago, somewhere along the way, you realized Agent DiNozzo had become nothing but a liability for you. You ignored any opinion he had, gave him the lowest job you could think of, overlook any contribution he made in the case. Treating him like you didn't even want him as a damn probie. But why is that, the man was your Senior Field Agent wasn't he?"

Tony's voice started to rise uncontrollably, he knew by now all eyes in the bullpen were on them, but he couldn't stop the flood once the dam broke. He took a step forward, walking right into the older man's personal space. To Tony's surprise, Gibbs took a half step back at his advance. Without giving a chance for the other to speak, Tony carried on his monologue.

"Don't answer that, we all know words aren't your strong point. I have figured it out anyway. Apparently, The Great Jethro Gibbs could never be wrong. So me, being your first hand-picked team member must worth something, right? But no, you've finally realized DiNozzo was a mistake, so you gotta find a way to get rid of that waste of space. But obviously, you couldn't actively fire me, cause that would show everyone you made an error of judgment bringing me in.

Those two supposedly teammates already thought of me as lower than them for years, all you had to do was treat me as much like a piece of turd as possible. If you all made me feel worthless enough, eventually I would just quit myself and you get to keep your never-made-a-mistake reputation. Is my theory correct, Agent Gibbs?"

The whole bullpen was deathly quiet. Tony could hear every heavy breathe Gibbs was taking and the blood pounding in his ears. _C'mon Boss, tell me how wrong I am._ He waited for a reaction, for Gibbs to deny all he said, gave a gruff 'Good, you finally catch up', or wrap his hands around his neck for daring to talk him off in the middle of the bullpen. Anything.

But nothing came. Gibbs just stood his ground, silently glaring at Tony with a foreign expression he had never seen before. The realization hit Tony like a kick to the gut. Now that he had figured it out, Gibbs wasn't going to waste another breath on him. He's just waiting for DiNozzo to get out of his sight.

_So this is it then. This is how we end._

A part of him had desperately hope Gibbs would give him a head slap, told him to stop being an idiot and get back to work. But apparently, that's not the case. Coming to those conclusions had hurt enough, but getting his mentor's silent confirmation felt like getting his heart ripped out and stomped just for good measure. Wordlessly, Tony backed off from the older man, going back to his former desk and tossed the backpack over his shoulder, before picking up a cardboard box filled with his personal belongings underneath the desk.

"Well congratulation Gibbs, you win. I'm getting out of your hair. McGenius here finally got to be the Senior Field Agent he thought he deserved for so long." Tony spat out as he threw his badge into the stunned McGee's chest. The object clanged to the floor, echoing loudly through the bullpen. "And Miss Mossad here can go break whatever protocol she wants just because she can." He moved toward the other desk, slapping his gun down in front of the female agent.

"What is the meaning of that…" But Tony wasn't going to let Ziva have the last word. Ignoring her protest, Tony went on.

"And you Agent Gibbs, can finally lose this sorry excuse of an SFA and have your perfect dream team. Hooray. See? happily ever after for everyone." With that said, Tony turned around and walked toward the elevator, leaving the stunned crowd staring behind him. Everyone was waiting for Agents Gibbs' response, but the silver-haired man seemed nailed on the spot, his eyes downcast and fists clenched as the now-former Special Agent walked away from them.

McGee was looking at him with wide eyes and gaping mouth, Ziva was glaring at him with a complex expression. But none of their reactions bothered Tony anymore, they were probably cheering inside anyway. But Tony was finally free, now it's time to leave this toxic place behind and start his new life.

"Oh, and Director, you can finally give Agent Gibbs that folder you've been holding on. I'm sure you've waited for this moment long enough."

That's when everyone noticed Director Vance was silently observing the scene from the staircase. The suited man didn't make a comment, simply glance at Gibbs' way before walking back to his office.

When Tim and Ziva looked back at the place Tony was last seen, the man was already gone.

That day, which was supposed to be a normal Monday. Was the day former Special Agent DiNozzo walked out of NCIS without looking back.

TBC


	2. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who have left comments and shown their supports. I’ve made an overview to give you a feel of the direction this story is going.
> 
> This is a story about the frictions between a group of people who used to be tight. The team is not the villain here, nor is Tony a saint that everyone owed to. This is a journey of these people contemplating their past actions and trying to understand each other in a new way. I hope you are still engaged and would read this story through.
> 
> Also, a fair bit of warning for McGee fans, this is not the nicest chapter for our geek boy.

The agents in NCIS bullpen were still muted in shock. Agent DiNozzo, AKA Agent Gibbs' royal St. Bernard, had just quit. Did the man really just tendered his resignation, then dressed the older man down in front of everyone before walking out like that?

After DiNozzo had disappeared, Agent Gibbs had stayed at the exact same spot for about a minute, before he picked up the fallen badge on the floor, then walked back to his desk. The first thing Gibbs did was to grab the paper and tore it into tiny pieces. Throwing the now scattered resignation into the trashcan, Gibbs swiftly stowed the mysterious box under his desk, before he marched up the stairs toward the Director's office.

McGee and Ziva were still in a state of shock, was the last few minutes a hallucination? Did Tony really make some absurd accusations at Gibbs before he quit the job he's had for the last ten years? Was this another prank the man tried to pull? But DiNozzo had looked completely serious during the earlier standoff. Except the two agents couldn't quite believe Tony actually had the guts to walked out on Gibbs like that.

While McGee and Ziva were still trying to figure out what exactly just happened, Gibbs stormed back down from the stairs. Nobody in the bullpen dared to look at the furious man's way as Gibbs stopped his march briefly. "Interrogate those four we brought in, and finish your reports. Get out of here after you put them on my desk." Not waiting for his two remaining team members' replies, Gibbs strode into the elevator, once again disappeared from the office.

It seems what was supposed to be an easy day just turned a lot more complicated.

NCISNCISNCIS

"Well this is a particularly tricky situation, isn't it Jethro? Abigail had shown me the security footage." Doctor Donald Mallard said calmly as Jethro Gibbs stormed unceremoniously into the autopsy. To say the scene took place in the bullpen earlier was a shock to Ducky was an understatement. Right now the ME was both afraid and curious at what Gibbs was going to say to him.

"You agree with what DiNozzo said, Duck?"

Apart from Tony, Ducky was the best at reading Jethro Gibbs' various expressions. Right now Gibbs' face was a complicating mixture of anger, frustration, sorrow, guilt, and a glimpse of panic. So maybe Anthony made some error of judgment of his own and all is not lost yet. A brief silence filled the autopsy. Feeling slightly relieved by Jethro's regretful face, Ducky pondered how should he answered his friend's direct question.

"I would say I wanted to disagree with what Tony had come up with, Jethro. But I've been observing how your team interacts with each other for quite a while, and I must say parts of Anthony's… assumptions did make some senses. Now, why don't you answer me, Jethro? Was anything former Agent DiNozzo had said the truth?" Dark fury filled the silver-haired agent's eyes, though directed at whom, Ducky wasn't sure.

"No." was the clipped answer Gibbs gave him. Ducky let out an internal sigh of relief. He didn't want to believe his long time friend would deliberately put young Anthony down just to drove him away, he had witnessed the strength of the bond between those two men over the years, but the essence of their relationships had somehow shifted over the past few months. Regardless of what Ducky wanted to believe, what Tony had said did perfectly explained some of Gibbs' latest behavior toward the younger man.

"Then, are you planning on giving the dear boy a proper explanation? Because judging by how he took your silence as confirmation, Anthony might not stick around for much longer."

Gibbs' response was clenching his fists more tightly. Ducky was concerned if his friend got any more tensed, the vessel on his forehead would pop open. With a muttered but very colorful curse, Gibbs turned on his heel and stormed out of autopsy as sudden as he came.

Ducky looked back at his young assistant, Jimmy Palmer. The younger man has been wearing a furious expression ever since they watched the footage from the bullpen. The young medic student had formed a solid friendship with Tony DiNozzo over the years, his distaste about the current situation was obvious on his pinched face. Ducky let out a weary sigh, this whole mess wasn't going to be resolved easily.

NCISNCISNCIS

Abby Sciuto was frantic, the gossip was spreading like wildfire through the whole building. After hearing her Tony had bad-mouthed Gibbs and just up and quit, Abby had to check the security camera herself. What she just watched was surreal. How could Tony think of Gibbs like that! Her silver fox would never do what Tony had accused him of! Then she thought about all the times Tony had tried to tell her something about Gibbs, but always clammed up before actually saying anything. What Tony said couldn't be true, but Gibbs had just stood right there, never did he say how wrong Tony was. Because that couldn't be true, Gibbs wouldn't do that to anyone, definitely not to their Tony, would he?

Abby needed answers. Her awesome family suddenly seemed shattered and she needed answers right now. "Where is Gibbs!" The frantic forensic scientist cried as she burst into the MCRT bullpen, seeing no one but the two junior agents at their desks typing on their computers.

"Not sure, he went up to the Director, before taking the elevator then disappeared," McGee answered the goth casually.

"How can you be so calm Timmy! Tony just quit! And he said Gibbs had been trying to get rid of him! We have to find Gibbs and get Tony back and get everything sorted out! How can you just sit there like nothing happened!" Abby was incredulous. Tony, the one who's always smiling and making jokes to make them laugh and happy, had just quit! And these two just sat there writing their reports like it was a perfectly normal day!

"Abby relax, Tony was just letting off some smoke. He would be here begging Gibbs to take him back tomorrow. Then he will apologies for his stunt today."

Ziva supplied, hoping to stop Abby's ramble before it got out of control. Neither she nor McGee had taken Tony's theory of Gibbs trying to get rid of him seriously. If Gibbs wanted Tony off the team, the lead agent would've kicked him off a long time ago. Their SFA was just being jealous of being excluded by his mentor on a coffee break, then made some ridiculous assumptions for dramatic effects.

As for Tony's comment about the two of them saw Tony as lower than them, it wasn't entirely wrong. McGee and Ziva both knew there are things they did way better then DiNozzo. They might question Tony's place as SFA from time to time, but that doesn't necessarily mean they viewed Tony as lower. Gibbs had said some harsh things at DiNozzo today, but nothing out of usual standard. They both knew Tony loved his job and looked up at Gibbs too much to quit for good.

"It's letting off some steam Ziva, and how could you say that? Tony took his resignation to the Director as well! Are you…" Abby was ready for another ramble before something flashed through her mind. Something Tony had said a long time ago that she just brushed off as unimportant at the time.

"You look pretty fine for someone who just lost a teammate, Ziva. Did you wish Tony gone? Are you secretly happy about this?" Abby's eyes and tone were suddenly cold and pinning Ziva in her chair. The female agent felt insulted by Abby's accusation, they had their differences but Tony was still her partner, why would she ever want to see Tony gone? What is up with everyone making absurd assumptions today?

"Of course not. Tony is part of the team, but he is just throwing a tantrum. He must be bluffing when he said the Director had a copy of resignation. Do not worry Abby, Tony will be back because Gibbs did not accept his resignation. So I will not go begging for his return and feed his ego." Ziva finished with a wave to her desk, Tony's service weapon sat untouched on the same spot he had slapped it down.

What was happening? How could Ziva think like that? Abby's head was in turmoil, they thought Tony was just throwing a tantrum? Didn't they see how serious Tony was? She felt like she suddenly didn't know the woman sitting before her at all. Turning around, Abby shoots the same cold glare at McGee's direction.

"And you Timmy! You and Gibbs thought Tony was joking when he said he saved your life! When had Tony ever made a joke about life and death? He would never make something like that up as a joke! And you're just gonna sit there like nothing happened instead of try and apologize to Tony!?"

McGee winced a little. After a brief interrogation with Peter Burgess, the dirtbag Tony had taken down earlier. It was confirmed that he had indeed tried to take a shot at McGee today. The man had started whining about missing the Agent Baby Face's head because the Stupid Suit tackled him as soon as they entered his holding cell. So McGee had felt a little guilty about accusing Tony of making that up, but it was just natural for them to make some diggings on Tony's behave. Tony would tease and prank them mercilessly, so he and Ziva would dig back at him. That's how they interact with each other. Wasn't it?

"Okay, that was my bad alright? But come on Abby, Tony was just jealous Gibbs said I did a good job instead of him. I'll apologize to him after he comes back. I mean he wouldn't seriously quit, would he?"

"You too Tim!? Tony threw his freaking badge at you! His desk is empty! Did you two even realized how…" It was crazy, why were both of them acting like this? Abby was ready to tear Tim and Ziva a new one right there, before stopping herself and stared at the two people she considered families in shocking realization.

"He was right. You two don't care about him anymore."

McGee and Ziva did shoot her a startled look at that. They didn't care about who anymore?

"Oh my god he was right, and I wouldn't believe him! He's been trying to tell me all those times and I brushed him off every time!" Abby was rambling maddeningly to herself. The goth paced in circles in the middle of the bullpen for a few minutes, muttering to herself all the while, before she let out a dramatic gasp and head for the elevator. Leaving the two bewildered agents alone once again.

NCISNCISNCIS

He had done it, Tony had quit and walked out of NCIS, acting like a pissy teenager in the process no less. He still couldn't quite believe Gibbs had just let him talked him off like that in front of all the agents. But to his shock, he didn't feel any regret leaving the job he's had for a whole decade, he felt set free. Just the thought of not needing to face his coworkers' abusive behavior tomorrow made Tony's heart felt so much lighter.

Tony's first thought after walking out of the bullpen was to find a bar and got himself stupid drunk, but he ditched the idea quickly. He's jobless now, former Agent DiNozzo needed to start thinking about the next step of where to take his life. Tony knew the FBI's and Homeland's offer for him will be open, and there were several other agencies and PDs who's been trying to poach him for years. But right now Tony just didn't feel law enforcement was the right place for him anymore.

He had trusted his former team so completely for years, only to realize his presence wasn't appreciated at all. Working as law enforcement requires unconditional trust in your teammate, and right now Tony DiNozzo didn't feel like there's anyone worth trusting anymore. Besides all the cruel words his former team had made already chipped his confidence to almost none. With his scarred lungs giving him trouble on occasional cold days, Tony felt he was getting a bit too old to run after bad guys and dodging bullets anyway. When he was young Tony DiNozzo had felt being a cop was the only thing he wanted to do, to make a difference for those who couldn't defend themselves. Now he couldn't even remember what that eager young man had looked like. A complete change of career might just be what he needed right now.

What job to look for? Should he move out of DC? Right now Tony had too many decisions to consider. Sitting by the dining table in his apartment, Tony took out his laptop and got to work.

NCISNCISNCIS

Tony had gotten a lot sorted out after staying on his laptop for half the day. He had found some interesting non-law-enforcement job offers in his mailbox that he never noticed before, some of them were even overseas with great pay and insurance. With a list of potential jobs to take completed, Tony had just finished dinner when there's a knock on his door.

Well here we go, Tony thought. He wasn't in the mood for any visitors. He could pretend he wasn't home, but he knew whoever was knocking would probably pick the lock if it's any of his former teammates. Sighing as another round of knocking echoed through his apartment, Tony got up and prepared himself for the upcoming conversation. Pulling the door open, the person standing at his door front wasn't the one he was expecting.

"Ummm…Good evening Tony." Timothy McGee was standing in the hallway, looking unsure of what to do after the awkward greeting. Tim had debated on whether to visit Tony tonight, then decided he might owe the man an apology after all. He knew DiNozzo was the one taking Burgess down, he had just put the cuffs on the man when he saw Tony was struggling to hold the thrashing man down. He probably should've told Gibbs that when the older man gave him the Good Job comment. Besides something about what Abby told him and Ziva today just didn't sit right in his gut.

"What do you want Agents McGee?"

The cold reply was what McGee received. Ok, it seems Tony was still playing his prank and didn't know when to stop. He took a few steps into Tony's apartment then brought out his best commanding voice.

"Come on Tony just stop sulking, fine I'm sorry I was a bit mean today. And I probably should've told Gibbs you were the one who took that guy down, but it's not like he wanted you off the team just because he didn't take you out for coffee this once. You're being overdramatic don't you think?"

Tony was at a loss word. Did McGee really think he quit because he wasn't invited to a coffee break? Was that how shallow the younger man thought of him? "You thought I was joking."

"Um… I… what?" McGee wasn't sure what Tony was referring to. The older man suddenly took on an icy tone, McGee had only heard Tony used that voice on criminals or interrogation before, and it's sending shivers down his spine right now.

"When I said the guy I tackled was pointing a gun at your head, you all thought I would make you getting killed like Kate up as a joke. To seek attention because I was jealous of you. That's the kind of man you thought of me wasn't it?"

Okay, when Tony said it out it was beyond harsh. McGee had never made the connection with Kate until now. No, Tony would never pick something like that as a joke. That's when McGee suddenly realized the whole situation might be more serious than Tony throwing a tantrum.

"Wait, you are actually quitting!? Come on Tony it's just a misunderstanding! Gibbs was pissed as hell and Abby was upset, you can't be serious about this!"

Wow, McGee thought he was just throwing a tantrum. Tony had thought maybe after he resigned, McGee came here because the younger man genuinely felt bad about how he's been treating him not just today, but for years. How naive of him, McGee was just here to tell him to stop being dramatic and go back to soothe Gibbs' wrath for him. It seemed Tony put way too much faith into his former probie.

"I'm not leaving for this one incident McGee, it's been like this for too long. You and Ziva hated me as your team lead, and now you've stopped thinking of me as your SFA, or even a useful agent. I can't stand you keep throwing your degree at my face, mocking me as a brainless jock, and questioning how could I possibly make a qualified Senior Field Agent every day anymore." Tony was now staring McGee down with a dark and cold expression. McGee was squirming a bit under Tony's staring, DiNozzo's death glare could be as intimidating as Gibbs' when he wanted to.

"That's not what I…But…but you tease and prank me all the time!" internally, McGee admitted he had thought about all those things before, but it was never with any ill-thought toward the older man. Who was he kidding, how could it not be? Tim suddenly realized most of the stuff he'd said to Tony as teasing, were in reality insults and degrade on his friend's character. When had it become like this?

"Exactly McGee, I teased and made fun of you, that's it. I had never questioned or insulted your ability to do your job. Have you ever heard me said things like you are a no-good nerd without your computer? Or that MIT degree you're so proud of is just a piece of useless paper in the field? Because I've heard plenty times you said I was just an overgrown college jock pretending to be an agent with only a Phys Ed degree, and that you should have been promoted to SFA a long time ago."

He felt like the world was crashing down around him. McGee was at a loss of word. Was that what he's been doing? Tony was a great agent and his friend, right? When was the last time he thought the SFA as a friend? Now Tony DiNozzo was walking out on them because apparently, it's being like this for a long time.

"Tony I… I'm sorry. I never realized…You never told me how you felt! Just come back, please? We can talk this out, I never wanted to see you gone! Just…" McGee was officially starting to panic, he couldn't let Tony leave them like this. But the other man just snorted at his pleading.

"I shouldn't need to tell you how I felt! And why would you ever want me back? You are the Director's new golden boy McGee, and Gibbs seems to be getting on the same page as well. You think your degree alone makes you more worthy to be the Senior Field Agent than me. I did my job well, but obviously, you thought you could've done everything better than me. Today you told everyone I am the kind of man who makes jokes about my teammate getting killed just to gain attention. In short, you don't respect me as a person or an agent and probably thought of me as a complete idiot. Seems like me been gone was exactly what you've wanted, isn't it?"

Was that how he really made Tony felt? Yes, McGee knew he had talked about the things Tony just said at some point, and that's the problem. When had McGee stopped thinking about what his words and actions would make Tony felt? Why had he become like this? How could Tim make Tony realize it's not his intention?

"Just so you know, Gibbs didn't want you on the team originally."

Wait, what? McGee's train of thoughts stopped as his eyes widened at the revelation. Gibbs didn't want him? But he was brought to the team because…

"Gibbs thought you were too green for MCRT, and he couldn't understand what a computer geek was good for him at the time. I convinced him your skill would benefit us. I asked him to let me take you in, that I would toughen you up and make you into a field agent. I tried to build your confidence with all the teasing so you could learn to stand up for yourself. Seems like I did the last part a little too well."

Tony finished with a bitter chuckle. He had thought of Tim McGee as a younger brother once upon a time, but that honest and eager young man was no longer here. This McGee thought he was a better man than DiNozzo and didn't respect him at all. Tony just couldn't give the younger man another chance to hurt him anymore.

"I had thought of you as a friend Tim, a younger brother even. But apparently, it's just one more proof that I'm a total idiot."

"No! Tony just stop! I never hated you! It's not…I didn't…" But McGee was at a loss of what to say. He was reminded of his earlier days on team Gibbs. Kate was mostly neutral with him, but Tony kept the teasing and pranking at a maddening rate from the start. But despite all the times that Tim got his body parts super glued to random places, he was also reminded how many times Tony had protected, encouraged, and comforted him in his special way over the years. Gibbs wouldn't bother to train a brand new probie, so in a sense, Tony was more of a mentor to McGee than Gibbs ever was.

What could he say right now when he's been acting like he despised the other man for years? When had he become so sure of himself? McGee had come over foolishly thinking Tony was just being overdramatic, he never expected to learn half the things Tony revealed to him tonight. But Tony still had one last thing to add.

"Kate and I truly liked you, Tim. But for the last few months, I couldn't help but think how much easier my life would be if I hadn't brought you in."

Tim felt like a knife just dug into his heart. Tony, his once best friend was leaving, because of the way he has been treating him. Now he had learned what his behavior had done to the older man, McGee felt sick. He couldn't stand the fact that he was a big part of the reason Tony was giving up the job he loved so much.

"Tony I…I'm sorry! Don't leave us like this, please! Just give me a chance to…to…" But Tony had heard enough. His face looked put upon and tired. McGee was desperate now, had he already lost the chance to get his friend back and redeem himself?

"Too late for that McGee. Do me a favor, just don't bother me anymore."

With that, Tony gently pushed the distraught younger man out into the hallway, before closing the door in his face. McGee just stood there with a face of despair and unshed tears. What has he done?

TBC


	3. Conflict

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, some Ziva bashing ahead. Additional notes in the end.

Ziva David was feeling confused, nervous, and perhaps a bit of anger. She had received a call from Tim McGee in the middle of the night. The man was babbling, barely stringing a few words together. McGee had said Tony was serious about quitting and it's not just about what he had assumed about Gibbs, but also because of them. Tim had said Tony felt both of them had been treating him with disrespect and disregard for a long time, which Ziva didn't completely disagree with. Tony DiNozzo had always been childish and inappropriate for a man of his position, but that didn't mean she wanted to lose him. He was part of her team and he wasn't allowed to leave like that.

Deep down Ziva appreciated Tony's presence on the team. His joyful nature and movie references were usually a much-needed relief for their difficult job. They had been through some shaky grounds thorough the years they've known each other. And she did technically owed the man her life after the team's rescue in Somalia. But respect needed to be earned. If Tony wanted their complete respect, he should've acted more responsible for his age and title. Besides, if Tony felt undermined by her and Tim, why had he never said anything about it?

So tonight, she would figure out Tony's problem and talk some sense into him. McGee had sounded panicked and distraught on the phone, already convinced that Tony was lost to them. But Ziva knew she would get her exasperating teammate back.

NCISNCISNCIS

Picking the lock easily, Ziva slipped silently into DiNozzo's apartment. She had planned to catch the man off guard so she could figure out Tony's issue while his defense was down. After she took two steps into the apartment, the sound of a gun being cocked was heard in the eerily quiet living room. Slightly startled, Ziva stopped her movement and squinted into the darkness, but her eyes hadn't adjusted to the environment yet.

"You do know you just gave me a valid reason to shoot you for trespassing, don't you Agent David?"

A dim light lit up, Ziva could now see Tony standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He was wearing sweat pants and a loose T-shirt, obviously just gotten out of bed. A revolver clutching in his hand pointing straight in her direction. So perhaps Tony had been expecting her, but to point a gun at her? How much longer was Tony going to keep this dramatic act?

"Put the gun away Tony, you couldn't hit me anyway. I am just here to talk. Why did you really quit? You could not possibly believe what you accused Gibbs of. Or was it because of me and Tim? If so you should have confronted us instead of running away like a coward." A clench of jaw appeared on Tony's face and Ziva smiled triumphantly. She always knew how to rile the other man up, and this way Tony would spill the real issue shortly after. But to her distaste, Tony wasn't making it easy for her.

"There's nothing to talk about. Go home Agent David, I'm not your concern anymore. You broke into my apartment without permission in the middle of the night, so I'm not obligated to entertain you."

"I am not leaving until you tell me what is wrong, Tony. You are not allowed to quit on us like that. You should know better you are a part of the team. And move that gun away I am serious, or you are going to be the one with a bullet inside of you." Why was he being this difficult? Didn't Tony understand Ziva was just here to convince him back?

Sighing internally, Tony knew Ziva would be much harder to deal with than McGee. The geek boy had been reduced to a babbling mess after a few choices word, but the Ex-Mossad would be much harder to crack. It's time to change tactics. Tony had prepared himself for the confrontation with her, but he really didn't want to do things this way.

Ziva David was a tough woman who grew up in a harsh environment, the first thing she learned was probably that taking different opinions from others equals submitting. She never had any problem voicing her disdaining opinion about him, but Tony had never talked her back in equally harsh words. Well, If harsh words were what she would react to, then it is harsh words Tony would use on her.

"Ah, here comes the death threat again. I'm just saying, Ziva. Sure you've come a long way as an agent, but if the most prided skill you could brag about yourself were killing and threatening, you might fit in better with the kinds we arrested every day instead of being a federal agent, you know?" That certainly got a reaction from the Israeli woman. Ziva's face immediately went red at his words.

"How dare you! Who do you think you are to make an accusation like that!" Ziva shouted in anger as she took a step forward, but the sound of the drum being pulled back stopped her in her track. Tony was actually prepared to take a shot at her?

"And who do you think _you_ are? I didn't give you permission to enter my home, Agent David. So you better stay right where you are and let me finish."

"Years ago, you came into NCIS as a liaison, because you conveniently saved Gibbs' life on a planned mission. Then you started walking around like you owned the whole place, acting all high and mighty. Oh, don't forget your favorite. 'I could kill you with my hairpin' right? I honestly still don't understand how they let a foreign ex-assassin, who kept throwing death threats at everyone, stay in a federal agency. Sure we've finished some cases that wouldn't have being done without you, but you never shake that attitude off. Then Gibbs dumped his position on me, you and McGee made mocking and disobeying me your personal mission for four months. And don't even get me to start on the whole damn Rivkin drama."

At the mention of Michael Rivkin's name, Ziva lunged forward at the other man in rage. But to her complete shock, her feet were swiped out underneath and she fell on her back with a thud. Wincing at the impact, Ziva looked up in widened eyes as the barrel of the gun was leveled at her chest. The position felt painfully familiar.

"Surprised huh? someone taught me this move in Israel. And what did I say about stay right where you are?" Tony's eyes were furious, without a trace of his usual gentleness and mischief in them. Ziva had only seen Tony used that face on the worst unforgivable criminals.

Suddenly feeling threatened and a bit of fear, Ziva stayed on the floor and gritted the words out. "It was all in the past, why are you dragging all these up?"

"Because Ziva, I think all of it led to your unwavering impression of me. You thought of me as an idiot frat boy at first. An unworthy leader later. After Rivkin you wanted nothing but kill me despite all the proof about him were right in front of you. After Somalia, even though I organized the operation that brought you out of that hellhole, you still seemed to hold that grudge against me and refused to see me as anything respectful. I've had enough of your attitude, so I finally manned up and got myself out."

Uncharacteristically, Ziva David started doubting herself. She had made some really bad decisions concerning Michael Rivkin, the man she had actually loved at once. She still couldn't accept he was gone even after the proof of his lies were presented to her, and she even physically attacked Tony the exact way he just did. Which she deeply regretted days after things had calmed down.

But she had gotten over it a long time ago. Ziva thought she and Tony were on even ground after his selfless rescue and her apology. Her background made her unable to stand Tony's juvenile behavior, and she had always thrown her remarks without holding back. But Ziva knew as an agent, there were things Tony was decidedly better than her. A lot of cases wouldn't be solved as smoothly were it not for his sharp instinct and the mysterious way he came up with critical connections. For that Ziva knew she respected Tony DiNozzo on a certain degree, but had she ever let Tony knew about that?

Thinking back now, a lot of her comments toward him were more insults rather than mocking. Why was she treating the man who had saved her from months of captivity like that? Was Tony right about what he said? Was Ziva still holding that resentment at Tony about Rivkin's death in her subconscious?

While Ziva was thinking for a reply to reverse the situation, then Tony did the unthinkable. She never imagined she would hear those words from him.

"You know, if I'd known you would turn out like this, I probably should've left you in Somalia anyway."

Ziva was rendered speechless, her heart clenched painfully in her chest as she stared up at the man in shock. How could Tony say that to her? He had put so many efforts trying to comfort her after her darkest ordeal, now he said something like this? What was happening between them?

"You…you don't mean that." Ziva's voice was shaking slightly now. She shouldn't be easily affected by others' words, but what Tony just said had shaken her to the core. The other man just gave her a smirk, his dark green eyes boring straight into hers.

"No, of course I don't. It's a joke, isn't it? After all, that's the kind of joke you all thought I would make. Besides, you and McGee were the ones who taught me that leaving your teammate in dangerous situations without backup was the funniest joke ever."

Then something clicked in Ziva's mind. Was it about the mission in that neighborhood several months ago? She and McGee had turned the radio off when they were supposed to monitor Tony's status in the van while he collected voiceprints on foot. They were irritated by Tony's constant commentary and had told him they turned the radio off for some peaceful silence as a joke.

"It was one time and you were not harmed! How could you take that as an indication we wish you dead?"

"No I didn't get hurt that time, but it's not about the result, it's the message behind the action you had made. My trust in you two had become shaky after that, Ziva. Do you even realize what the meaning of 'back up' is? How would I know if you two got a kick out of it and decided it's fine to do that again? How many times would I get lucky? Would you two still laugh about it if I got killed or blown up while you two were enjoying your 'peaceful silence'?"

Ziva was shocked, Tony really thought they would be fine if he was dead? Now she realized what they did was much more serious than a joke, but she never imagined Tony would take that as proof they didn't care about his life. The issues were deeper and much worse than she thought, she needed to use honesty if she ever wanted to get the other man back into her life.

"We do care about you, Tony. I…apologize now for our action then. Besides, I did save you from that bomb afterward. We need you back on the team."

"You might think you care about me, but your words and action didn't support that, Ziva. Sure we've saved each other's life more times than I'd like to admit, but think about what you've been saying to me over the last few months. No, I don't have badass Mossad training or the ability to speak ten languages like you, but I've been a cop and an agent for fourteen years. I know what my job is and I did it well or I wouldn't be there. I know how I acted in the office, and you have the right to dislike my personality. But you've always suggested I'm not good enough for an SFA and you didn't understand what use Gibbs had of me."

The name of the older man stopped Tony's speech for a moment. The two junior agents' behavior was somewhat understandable for him, but Gibbs' involvement still hurt Tony the most.

"And apparently Gibbs thought the same now. I can't keep working with a team which no-one respected or trusted my ability, maybe didn't even care about my life, not anymore. I've had enough Ziva, just leave." Tony finished with a shaky breath, his hand holding the gun never wavered during the whole speech.

"It's not what you think Tony, please. Let us get McGee and Gibbs, we really need to talk about this together." This situation was way beyond her control, Ziva couldn't walk away from Tony like this. Leaving her partner when he thought she never valued his presence or whether he's dead or alive. But apparently Tony had reached his boiling point for the night.

"No we really don't, I've heard enough from all of you Ziva. Get out, I won't ask a third time." Tony almost shouted on the last word, his once warm green eyes were dark and dangerous as he stepped away from her position on the floor. He stood out of Ziva's reaching distance and cocked the gun at the door.

Now Ziva understood why McGee had sounded like that on the phone earlier. They had really screwed up and Tony was dead serious. There wouldn't be anything good coming out of this conversation when both of their emotions were this unstable. Besides, his words and action had shocked and hurt her tonight, Ziva didn't want this confrontation to turn any worse. Despite being a fighter and never back down from a challenge, Ziva knew when was the time to retreat and regroup.

"Ok, I am leaving, but I am not giving up on you Tony. We should talk again when you are ready." Getting no reply from the man still pointing a gun at her, Ziva slowly got up and walked to the apartment door.

"I am sorry for how I made you felt for so long." Ziva added quietly before she closed the door, her fists clenched tightly and there's some wetness in her eyes.

NCISNCISNCIS

Waking up to the sunlight streaming into his bedroom, Tony got up and rubbed tiredly at his face. Last night hadn't gone well, at all. He still couldn't shake off Ziva's expression when she left last night. Tony really hadn't meant to hurt his former partner, but he just couldn't hold himself back when Ziva broke into his apartment with that superior attitude as if she could just order him back. He had gotten carried away, throwing her onto the floor and said words he never should. Now he probably ruined any chance to remain friendly with her just like he had done with McGee.

Sighing heavily at his loss of control last night, Tony had hoped he could get some kind of closure after talking to his two former friends, but more cracks were formed instead. He needed to leave as soon as possible before he made things even worse with anyone.

Though Tony supposed he should make time to bid Abby, Ducky, and Jimmy a proper farewell. Those three had remained friendly with him over these difficult months. Even though Tony had tried to discuss his problems about the team with Abby a few times, the goth girl wouldn't accept the idea of her perfect family having any issue with each other. She even refused Tony's request when he asked her to check if McGee and Ziva had actually turned the radio off that fateful day. Ducky and Jimmy would probably listen to him, but he couldn't exactly discuss the issues in detail with the autopsy pair.

Taking care of his morning routines, Tony got dressed and was on his way out for a busy day. Some arrangements needed to be done before he could leave for good.

NCISNCISNCIS

Getting back to his apartment, Tony immediately noticed a white envelope taped on the door. A letter? when was the last time Tony had received an actual letter? Taking the object gently off the door, Tony went inside, locked the door before sitting down. He had an idea of who had left the letter, but he couldn't be sure what would the content be. Taking a deep breath, Tony opened the envelope and started reading.

" _Dear Anthony,_

_I understand there must be a lot going on in your head right now. I wish to give you some much-needed space, so I have opted with a letter rather than a personal visit. Please do not misunderstand it as my unwillingness to give you my support in person._

_Abigail had shown Mr. Palmer and I what happened in the bullpen the dreadful day. The first and most important thing I must address here is that I had asked Jethro if your explanation about his attitude had been correct. And his answer was a definite No, I have known that man long enough to tell he was saying the truth._

_You are probably planning your next move already. Though I'm not in a position to make any request of you. But Anthony, please consider staying in the area before having one last talk with Jethro, I do not understand how Jethro just froze up after you finished your theory, and didn't provide any objection if that's not the real reason for his latest behavior._

_I have witnessed the strengthening of the bond between the two of you, please don't let that unpleasant event become your last memory of him. You two had shared too much to partway like this. Because knowing you Anthony, you would be the one suffering in the end. Please consider stick around at least until you have one last talk with Jethro._

_I heard every word you said, and I must say I could understand your reasoning, even agreed on some points. Timothy and Ziva hadn't treated you with the respect you deserve during your brief leadership years ago, and I'm afraid that period has left some lasting attitude issues with those two. I have noticed their comments had grown cruel over the past few months, also the fact that Jethro never interfere. So it was completely understandable if you found leaving was the best move you could make under the circumstance._

_Now I've asked Abigail and Jimmy to give you some space on the first day after your departure. The poor girl was distraught by what had happened and Mr. Palmer had some colorful opinions about the way your teammates had been treating you, I'm quite proud of the young lad for voicing your defense so strongly. We wouldn't want to bother you any more than necessary, but Mr. Palmer, Abbigail and I would really appreciate a chance to meet you before you make your next move._

_Last but not least, you were never unwanted or unappreciated here, Anthony. The whole building was still recovering from the shock. A lot of agents had already voiced the lack of your presence was a negative effect for the bullpen. No matter what you choose next, you will be greatly missed, my dear boy._

_Sincerely, your friend,_

_Dr. Donald Mallard "_

Tony's hands were shaking slightly after he finished the letter. Rubbing at his glistening eyes, Tony carefully folded the paper and put it back into the envelope. He never knew Ducky, the warm and collected doctor had noticed so much. Tony had casually mentioned how his teammates' word at him was becoming a bit unforgiving during his various autopsy visits, but nothing too close to the real problems.

Tony was grateful that he still had someone being supportive of him in NCIS. He would take some time to meet Abby, the old doctor, and his autopsy gremlin before he left. McGee and Ziva? They probably would never bother him again.

But that left one huge problem.

Gibbs.

Despite Ducky saying Gibbs had denied his theory, Tony wasn't sure if the older man would even approach him. Even if he didn't want DiNozzo gone before, now he most definitely did. The way Tony had walked out, Jethro Gibbs would never take that kind of public humiliation without seeking personal retribution. So if he were to visit Tony after this, the former agent knew it mustn't be anything good.

But deep down, Tony was desperate to hear what Gibbs might have to say. He had come up with his theory about a month after Gibbs started sending him degrading remarks. He had refused to believe himself, but when the situation didn't resolve but worsen over time, Tony felt nothing but despair and acceptance. He had debated confronting Gibbs and addressed the issue directly, but the attitude Gibbs carried during work prevented that, and the older man also stopped inviting him over for a steak or beer long before that. All in all, Tony really had no idea when and what went wrong between them.

Letting out a long sigh, Tony flopped back down into the couch. He wanted to know what other explanation could Gibbs have, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to chance another meeting with his former mentor just for that, even if Ducky had practically begged him to.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just need to vent a little about my thoughts on Ziva. Personally, I couldn’t stand Ziva’s character on the show. All her arrogance and threats of ‘I can kill you in so many ways.’ just reminds me of a spoiled violent teenager. I ultimately dropped the show after how she behave during the whole Israel Arc. And the mention of TIVA sets my blood pressure high a little bit.
> 
> But on the other side, I like and respect Cote de Pablo a lot. I actually love watching the way she interacts with the casts in interviews & behind the scenes, so I just couldn’t bring myself to make Ziva into a genuinely evil character like some other Tony Leaves stories did.
> 
> The Ziva in my stories will be my own tune down version. She’s still snarky and a bit overconfident, but ultimately she cares about others and knows her place on the team. There might always be some put-downs on her part just for my guilty pleasure, but in the end she’s still part of the team. Hopefully I found the balance and respect the character while still voicing out what I wanted to address.


	4. Old Scar and New Wound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I might get this chapter up since I’ll be away for awhile after this. To all the people who left their reviews and comments, I really appreciate every single one of them. Hope everyone stay safe and healthy in these difficult times.
> 
> We finally got to see Gibbs’ side of story. And starting from here, it becomes a little AU since I made some tweaks between Tony and Gibbs’ relationship during the past few years for the story’s sack. As always feedbacks are more than welcome. The next update won’t be up in at least a week, but I promise this story will be finished. Until next time X

How had it come to this? Jethro Gibbs was a Gunnery Sergeant and a leading NCIS Agent for crying out loud. How had he let the situation went so far out of control? Gibbs immediately sensed something was seriously wrong when he came back from the coffee break on Monday. DiNozzo's desk was too clean, then he saw the box on his desk. The box that contained all the medals Tony had carefully kept for him over the years. Fear filled Gibbs' gut as soon as he saw the object sitting on his desk. Then he picked up that damn resignation.

The next few minutes would probably become the worst few minutes in Jethro Gibbs' life. He was outrageous and panicking after finding the resignation on the desk, then had said more things he shouldn't have to the younger man. Jethro Gibbs had never frozen up in the middle of action. Not during tours in his Marine day, not when facing murderers and terrorists. But when Tony DiNozzo, his trusted SFA had thrown those assumptions at his face in the middle of the bullpen. Gibbs froze up.

He knew he had been unreasonably rough with his second in command for the past few weeks, hell, or had it been months? He could be a real bastard when he wanted to, but had Gibbs really took the act that far for DiNozzo to come up with _that_? That him, Jethro Gibbs, the one who had brought the young detective back from Baltimore, would deliberately treat DiNozzo like shit so he would quit himself? All because Gibbs wanted to save his own face? How the hell did Tony come up with that crap? Had DiNozzo really thought that low of him?

But as Gibbs stood there and listened to Tony's accusation. The more he heard and contemplated, he suddenly felt cold dread gripped his heart. Because with the way he had been acting, it looked _exactly_ like what Tony just suggested. Gibbs knew the reason behind his own rough attitude and what he was trying to achieve, but never did he thought Tony would misinterpret the situation so badly, and came up with a theory that was so wrong, yet sounded so terribly right.

When Gibbs came back to his senses, DiNozzo was gone from the bullpen. Cursing a blue streak inwardly, Gibbs picked up Tony's discarded badge and immediately destroyed that damn resignation. Stowing the box under his desk, Gibbs' next move was storming up to the director's office. "What folder was DiNozzo talking about?"

Looking up at the silver-haired man barging into his office, Leon Vance prepared himself for the incoming storm. He was shocked when DiNozzo delivered his resignation earlier, the only explanation he provided was 'It's time'. But after the outburst Leon had just witnessed, the situation suddenly seemed much more complicated. Sighing as he knew the fuming agent in front of him wouldn't like his answer at all, Vance explained.

"It's a list of agents I've gathered that I thought would fit well on your team. I have no idea how DiNozzo knew about this. But now since you're one agent short…"

"DiNozzo's resignation is in the trashcan. I'm not taking some damn random agents you picked with your damn taste! You couldn't even wait for one day to replace him is that it, Leon?" If possible, Gibbs was even more furious than before he stormed in, had Vance been waiting to replace DiNozzo all the time?

"Get the words into your thick head Gibbs. I said they're the agents I thought would fit in, not DiNozzo's specific replacement. I was never going to give it to you unless one of you four were out of commission. And the resignation in your trashcan was the copy, I got the real deal. DiNozzo's been here long enough to not give the two-week notice. Like the man said Gibbs, he's not a dog you could chain here."

Goddamn DiNozzo and his damn efficiency. Sending the suited man a dirty glare, Gibbs turned back and was halfway out of the office when Vance called out to him.

"DiNozzo and I might not always see eye to eye Gibbs, and I admit I felt there were better candidates than him for the agency. But like you said once, you gotta love the result he gets. Do you still believe that yourself? You agree with what he just threw in your face in front of every agent?"

The only reply Leon Vance got was the door being slammed shut so hard, a framed diploma fell to the floor. Sighing the director got up and distractedly started cleaning the mess. Vance wasn't sure if he's happy or not about DiNozzo's abrupt resignation, but the things he had listened in the bullpen put some uneasiness into him. Suddenly, Leon Vance had a feeling that the leaving of one Anthony DiNozzo might become the start of something disastrous.

NCISNCISNCIS

After his attempt to get some feeble reassurances from Ducky had failed, Gibbs left the NCIS building without checking on his remaining team and the progress of wrapping the case. DiNozzo took priority than any case he could have.

He had screw up, big time. Gibbs had no problem facing that fact himself. He was mentally head-slapping himself to no end for freezing up in front of DiNozzo earlier. He owed Tony the truth and a proper explanation, maybe even an apology from him. Gibbs couldn't stomach the thought of Tony leaving him with those assumptions in his head.

Decision made, Gibbs would give DiNozzo one night alone to cool down before he tried to engage the younger man. Hell, maybe it was Gibbs himself that needed the night to ponder what was he going to tell the other man. DiNozzo had quit, that fact kept swirling inside his head. Gibbs knew the method he used on his SFA was unmerited, but how had he gotten carried away and made the situation into this mess, Gibbs had no explanation other than his own stupidity.

Sanding the half-finished boat in his basement at 0300 on Tuesday to soothe his frazzled mind, Gibbs mentally prepared himself to face his former SFA later that day. Deep down, a part of Gibbs was in fact terrified, because telling Tony the reason behind his actions would probably make things even worse.

NCISNCISNCIS

An hour after Tony had finished Ducky's letter and tucked it safely away, there was a knock on his front door. McGee and Ziva wouldn't bother him anymore. Ducky, Abby, and Jimmy would keep their promise and gave him space. That only left one person who would be standing there. _'Thought I'd had more time.'_ Mentally preparing himself, Tony squared his shoulders and opened the door.

Gibbs' blues eyes regarded Tony silently, the man's posture was surprisingly calm. After his outburst in the bullpen, Tony had expected Gibbs would direct all his pent up anger and frustration at him physically the next time they were alone.

"Ya gonna let me in?"

"I don't know, should I?"

Gibbs sighed, he knew this wouldn't be easy. There's a lot that needed to be addressed with his former SFA. And right now Tony has every reason and right to not want anything to do with him.

"I'm just here to talk Tony. Give me ten minutes before you throw me out, please?"

Gibbs saying please? Wow maybe quitting in front of his face really had some effect, Tony thought. Albeit reluctantly, Tony opened the door a bit wider and let the older man in. He had no idea what Gibbs would do or say today, so he crossed his arms across his chest, waiting for his former mentor to start the conversation.

NCISNCISNCIS

"You thought wrong, DiNozzo."

The corner of Tony's eye twitched at the opening, so the older man was just here to berate him? Well too bad for him, Tony DiNozzo was not his whipping boy anymore. "Well, which part of it was wrong then, Agent Gibbs? Because you didn't exactly object any of it."

"You are the best agent I've ever worked with, DiNozzo. I told everyone that exact thing, including your father. I'd never try to get rid of you." Gibbs said, staring straight into Tony's eyes, hoping to convey the sincerity with his eyes.

Did Gibbs really think he was stupid enough to believe that now? Tony's temper was quickly rising not even one minute after he saw his former boss.

"Yeah? this trick doesn't work on me anymore, Agent Gibbs. This is how you kept us under your control, isn't it? Using all your 'tough love' crap to keep us on our toes, when things went the way you didn't like, you gave us some half-assed compliments then we'll crawl back to you like some attention-starved puppy. I bet you did this with your Marines as well hadn't you? Or is this the real reason you decided to get rid of me? Because I learned to grow a backbone?"

This was not working, Gibbs was quickly becoming agitated, and Tony wasn't listening. "Damnit DiNozzo It's not what you think!"

"Then tell me what is it!" Tony shouted as he grabbed the collar of Gibbs' jacket and slammed the older man into the wall. DiNozzo wasn't a confrontational man, much less a violent one. So the action came as a shock to Gibbs. He winced as his back connected with the hard wall behind, his initial response was to grab the offending hand and bend it backward, but what he saw as he looked up stopped him dead.

Tony's face was a picture of pure misery. His eyes were wet from welled up tears swimming in them, a single drop escaped and slide down his right cheek.

"I don't get you, Gibbs. You ordered me not to die from the plague and I did, you brought me back from that damn ship. from Israel. All those times you fought to get me back, now you can't stand me being anywhere near you."

Gibbs was at a loss, thrown off by the raw hurt displaying on the younger man's face. Did he really cause it? Had he made the fatal mistake of keeping quiet while Tony desperately needed to hear his word?

"Just tell me what changed boss, please. When did I become not enough?" Tony's voice was nothing but a hoarse whisper now, not even noticing what he had called the other man. Gibbs couldn't take this anymore.

"Tony…" Gibbs instinctually extended his hand toward the distraught younger man. After everything was said and done, he just couldn't stand the sight of his Senior Field Agents hurting so visibly in front of him. His immediate reaction was to pull the younger man close and comfort him, even though that pain was caused by himself. But Tony abruptly pulled back with a shout like a wounded animal.

"Don't touch me! Just give me the damn reason or get out!"

He knew he made a bad move, but Gibbs had no idea how much it had hurt the other man until this moment. They were a few steps away from each other, but the distance between them seemed so much larger than that. Running out of words to defend himself, Gibbs decided the only way to do this was to give DiNozzo the answers, straight forward.

"Why didn't you do anything about McGee and Ziva treating you like crap?"

The question threw Tony off. Where was Gibbs going with this? They started it all together, didn't they? "Don't change the subject, this is about you! What's going on between those two and I had nothing to do with how you've been acting around me."

"It had everything to do with it! Look, I noticed they started walking all over you a few months ago, and you just let them. I didn't know what your problem was and you wouldn't talk to me! After that I saw you were struggling around them but you didn't deal with them or tell me anything. So I… I did something, to get a reaction out of you."

What? No. No, it couldn't be what Gibbs was saying. Tony thought the reasoning he had come up with was bad enough, but this? Did Gibbs actually mean…

"Let me get this straight. You noticed those two were treating me like crap and I was having problems with them. And since I didn't tell you what that problem was, you decided the best thing to do was join them on putting me down for fun every day. If all three of you were on this, I would've snapped and blurt my issue to you, is that what you were trying to do? You couldn't just… I don't know, ask me 'What's wrong'? What's the matter with you Gibbs!" Whatever Tony was expecting Gibbs' explanation was, it definitely wasn't this.

"You know I don't do talks about feelings, Tony! And you've never had a problem saying what you were thinking to my face. I thought… if it was me, you would have confronted me unlike how you seemed to hold back on those two."

Had Gibbs seriously thought testing his patience and endurance was the best way to make him talk? Tony was ready to throw another outburst in the older man's face until another crucial question popped up in his mind.

"Wait, so you knew they were the ones being unfair to me, your plan was to join Screw DiNozzo Club with them thinking I would become fed up and spill my gut to you. Then why did you keep playing buddy with McGee and gave Ziva all the leeway? How do you explain that one?"

Gibbs gulped nervously, he really didn't want to answer it, but he had promised himself he came here to give DiNozzo all the truth today. So he did exactly that, telling him the truth.

"Because…I knew that would definitely piss you off."

Though Gibbs had come prepared for something like this might happen, the Marine was still a little shocked when DiNozzo slugged his fist right across his cheek. Crashing to the ground under the powerful blow, Gibbs stayed silent while Tony stood over him, face red and breathing heavily. Gibbs had known he took his act too far right after he walked out of headquarter on Monday. No matter what he thought he was trying to do, implying DiNozz would make jokes about his teammate's life was unforgivable.

"Well, you bet your ass it did! I hope I was pissed off enough for you in the bullpen! I always knew you were a bastard but… Fucking hell Gibbs! Do you have any idea what those months had done to me? What _you_ have done to me?"

What in the literal hell, what had Gibbs become? But after a moment, Tony realized Gibbs was always like this. The man was a functional mute, so he would do anything he could think of to get the result he wanted. Lies, interrogate, manipulate, anything except voicing his true feeling. The man never had any remorse when it comes to doing what he needed to get the job done, which had been one of the traits to make Jethro Gibbs a top-notch agent. But when it comes to personal matters and communication? The man's skill was as good as a carton of three-week spoiled milk.

Gibbs had made it sound like he was concerned about DiNozzo not standing up for himself, but if that's the case, that meant Gibbs had chosen to manipulate Tony into telling him what the problem was, instead of asking those two what their issues with DiNozzo were. Tony suddenly felt extremely nauseous at the realization. He couldn't keep his eyes on the older man anymore.

Gibbs had really thought Tony would confront him after he kept the act for a few days, then he would be able to understand Tony's issues with the other two at the same time. But when that didn't happen, Gibbs became frustrated. Some of his acts about undermining DiNozzo became more real than it should. But Gibbs had foolishly kept it up instead of changing tactic. Then it occurred to him, why hadn't he just confronted the two junior agents who were giving his SFA trouble, instead tried to force the answer out of Tony? Maybe Gibbs was becoming more of a real bastard instead of an agent.

"I know I fucked up for real this time DiNozzo, I make no excuse for that. Hell I've lost you for that already and you've told everyone how much of a bastard I am, so can you please just tell me what's wrong between you three, now."

What's wrong between the three of them? ' _You have no idea, Gibbs.'_ Tony thought silently. After listening to what Gibbs had told him, all the anger Tony had for the older man just went out, replaced by cold numbness and indifference. He had thought he had become not good enough for Gibbs, that's why the older man had treated him terribly to get rid of him. But learning the truth, that Gibbs had purposefully done things he knew would hurt him just to get what he wanted, Tony honestly couldn't decide which one was worse. Now he simply didn't have the energy to feel angry anymore.

"Months ago, you remember that mission where I was going to collect voiceprints on foot and those two were monitoring me in the van as backups? " Tony asked quietly.

Cringing at the flat and dead voice Tony was using, Gibbs nodded in response. The case had been a success and no one got hurt. But come to think of it, it was roughly around that time when Tony became subdued and the other two's attitudes with him reached the hostile territory. But what did that particular mission had to do with it? Seconds later Gibbs got his answer. "Well, they turned the radio off."

"They what!" Gibbs barked in outrage, then he saw Tony flinched a little at the sound. Damnit he needed to control himself, DiNozzo had endured enough of his bad mood already. Calming his breath, Gibbs asked again in a softer tone. "What did they have to say about it?"

"Their words. They got tired of my voice and decided they deserve some 'peaceful silence', and that it was a joke to them."

This time Gibbs was having real trouble not grabbing the object closest to him and smashed it in anger. Then Gibbs remembered he had accused DiNozzo of making jokes about his teammate's life on Monday, while in reality, he was the recipient of that. Fuck himself and his damn mouth. "Why didn't you do something about it?"

"For what? Those two never respected me, Gibbs. Not after you dumped the team lead on me with a 'You will do.' those years ago. They gave me hell during those four months, whining about I'm not even close to you as a team lead every day and slacking off like some damn teenagers. I pulled all-nighters for I couldn't remember how long just to fix the reports they refused to do. Then you came back and dumped my stuff like nothing ever happened, so they took that as cue you thought of me as little as they did.

So If I did confront them about it, they'd just say I play pranks all the time but couldn't take one myself then carry on. Nothing would make a difference anyway."

Gibbs never heard about any of these. Why hadn't Tony told him about it after he came back? Then he remembered the first day he was back on the team, the first thing he did was moved the younger man's belongings back to his desk in a box. Gibbs had thought that gesture would tell Tony 'I'm back now, I'll take care of the team and you can go back to being my partner.' Thinking back now it must looked like an insult on DiNozzo's part.

"So now you know why they started thinking they had the right to walk all over me. See, they could play a joke with my life and I wouldn't do anything about it, why should they respect a man like that?

Damn it, Gibbs needed Tony to stop talking about himself like that, like he never matters. "I would've done something if you told me, Tony!"

"Months ago, I would've believed that Gibbs. But now? After what you did for months in order to get me to talk to you? Honestly, I don't know what should I believe about you anymore. Hell, even drug dealers and terrorists treated me better while I was undercover compared to you guys, do you know how pathetic that idea is?" Not stopping when Gibbs opened his mouth to interrupt, Tony continued. "Then I found out about that damn folder Vance had, the bastard was ready to replace me all the time, he's just waiting for a chance!"

Wait, did Tony find out about the folder by accident and thought all that up himself? "Tony hold up, those were candidates Vance had in case one of us was out of commission, he told me himself! It's not against you specifically!"

"And you believe him? Vance literally named it 'MCRT Backup Personnels'! He wouldn't get rid of his golden boy or Miss Mossad, and definitely not you. The Director always thought I'm not good enough for his agency because I'm 'old school' and isn't a hacker, so who else would he wanted off the team to bring his new pet in?"

Then it's like one last piece of the puzzle being clicked into place, Gibbs' mouth dropped open as he suddenly got the whole picture.

Tony had felt his two teammates never respected him for years, and learned they would deliberately ditch him in a hostile environment without remorse. He couldn't confront them because they never took him seriously during the time Gibbs dumped the sudden leadership on him. He also felt his boss wouldn't defend him because Gibbs hadn't acted like he valued his SFA over the past few years. Then Gibbs had seemingly joined the two junior agents in undermining him while showing the other two his fondness. He had endured all of that silently for months, feeling unsure of his place on the team and barely holding it together. Then he accidentally learned The Director had kept a whole folder of agents he thought were waiting to replace him. And finally, that raid on Monday, and the things they said afterward became the last straw for Tony DiNozzo.

Fucking hell. If Gibbs was in Tony's position, he would definitely quit _after_ he beat the crap out of everyone else.

Silence filled the room as both men stopped for a moment to collect their thoughts. It was a much bigger mess than Gibbs had anticipated, definitely not something that could be fixed in one talk. They used to understand each other so well, DiNozzo was the one person who could predict his move and act on Gibbs' command without needed to hear the words. Now he had made a mistake so bad that almost destroy the younger man without realizing it.

"We were better than this DiNozzo, I knew that. What changed between us?" Gibbs spoke the question out as a monologue, not expecting an answer. But he got one.

"You, Gibbs. You changed." Tony said quietly, he watched Gibbs' head shot up at him with widened eyes. So the older man never even realize it?

"I knew that was a traumatic event for you, getting blown up, losing and reliving those painful memories, so I didn't push you. But then you left, leaving all the responsibilities to me like didn't care anymore. Then you came back because _Ziva_ of all people asked you to. You never answered my call during that four months, Gibbs. Yes, I still trust you as team lead and I know you will have my six. But other than that, I didn't feel anything between us anymore. We were nothing but a boss and his second in command, before that we…" Tony stopped himself abruptly, he had said too much already. They were done, Gibbs didn't have the right to hear his inner thoughts anymore.

As Gibbs listened, his heart sank. He thought he could come over and told DiNozzo the truth behind his behavior over these months, then maybe beg for the younger man's forgiveness. But the issues between them were bigger and went so much further back then he thought. "Is that why you haven't swing by my place since forever?" The way Tony averted his eyes told Gibbs all the answer he needed.

"You knew my door was always open for you DiNozzo, I told you myself." Gibbs tried feebly, at this point nothing he said would be enough to cover what he had done. But he needed to know just when did they start to drift apart. Tony just gave Gibbs the saddest smile he had ever seen before he replied.

"When was the last time you told me that, Gibbs? can you remember?"

The question floored Gibbs. Hadn't he always tell DiNozzo that exact thing? The last time he said that? It was last Tuesday… No, he said that to Ziva when she said her neighbors were being noisy. Was it the Friday before that? No that was McGee… Why couldn't he picture DiNozzo's face with that sentence?

"It was years ago, Gibbs. You've told McGee and Ziva a couple of times, but you never said that to me since you came back from Mexico. After you dumped my stuff on my desk then reclaimed your throne."

DiNozzo looked like he was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Taking a deep breath, Tony said the last word while staring into Gibbs' eyes with an unbearable sorrowful look. "So yes, you've changed. But looks like you never realize that yourself. And… I guess it's finally time for me to accept that."

No, It couldn't be true. Gibbs kept expecting DiNozzo to appear in his basement after he returned to the team, but that never happened. Was Tony right about him coming back as a changed man? A man that no longer appreciated his SFA? Gibbs knew, without a doubt that DiNozzo was the best agent he had ever worked with. He was Gibbs' one true protégé, the successor Gibbs had always plan to hand the team over after his inevitable retirement. Gibbs knew DiNozzo was the best young agent he ever had, but somehow he couldn't remember _why_ , or when did he stop letting the younger man know that.

"Thanks for coming by today Gibbs. I appreciate you telling me your reason, but I'm a bit tired now. Just… close the door on your way out…"

Hearing the strange choking in the younger man's voice, Gibbs lifted his eyes. Tony had dropped into the couch while Gibbs was deep in thought. Right there in front of him, DiNozzo had his face buried in his hands and his shoulders were shaking. Gibbs felt the air rushed out of his lungs when he realized Tony was silently crying into his hands. At that moment, Gibbs almost wished Tony had delivered more than one punch to him. It would probably hurt less than what he was watching right now.

Looking at the miserable man, all Gibbs wanted to do was sat beside Tony and held him tight against himself, but he knew he had no right to do that anymore. He had put DiNozzo through enough already. Getting up quietly and moving to the doorway, Gibbs couldn't help but make one last plea when he placed his hand on the doorknob.

"Will you give us a second chance, Tony?" The younger man lifted his head and looked at him, and Gibbs almost started crying himself when Tony fixed those red and tearful eyes on him.

"I don't know Gibbs, I really don't know."

TBC


	5. Aftermath

"Thank you for inviting us, Anthony." Ducky said gently, with Jimmy Palmer sitting beside him. On the other side of the table, Abby Scuito was leaning on the man seated beside her, and Tony DiNozzo simply looked deflated and exhausted. The trio was glad Tony had invited them to lunch, but after learning the younger man just had an unpleasant conversation with his former boss earlier that day, Ducky immediately understood the boy was in desperate need of some friendly faces.

"Good to see you guys too, Duck. Well, what I thought about Gibbs wasn't true, but I'm not sure his version was any better. I… I won't get into what he told me, it's just… I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

"He didn't deserve you, Tony, none of them did. You've already put up with them for too long." Jimmy Palmer gritted out while he put his mug onto the table with a little more force than necessary.

Nodding gratefully at Jimmy, Tony was a little surprised that the younger man would stand so firmly in his corner. Jimmy Palmer was probably the only person who knew how depressed the former agent was for the past few months.

"Are you… are you really leaving Tony? I know Tim and Ziva have been mean to you for a long time, and I don't know what Gibbs did but…Can't we fix this? I can make them all apologize to you! Just… We can talk about this together if you just come back for one day!" Abby said desperately, she hadn't let go of Tony's arm since they settled down in the cafe.

Sighing softy. Out of these three, Tony knew Abby would be the one to try and talk him back. Putting an arm around the forensic scientist's shoulder, Tony tried gently. "No Abs, it's already done. I can't go back okay? We can still be friends, but I can't work in NCIS anymore."

"No Tony you have to come back! It would be so horrible without you there! Who's going to tell us all about the classic movies? Or…or fix McGee and Ziva's paperwork? And Gibbs couldn't do this without you! He would kill all the TAD and…and…"

"Abigail, please stop. Coercing Anthony back was not the purpose of our meeting today." Ducky was trying to stop the goth girl's ramble before it started upsetting Tony, but it seemed like Abby was having trouble controlling herself. She had been nervous and upset upon getting Tony's call earlier. Right now, as Abby was facing her friend that was walking out of her life, it seemed there's nothing she could do except letting her emotions run her mouth.

"But… but Ducky, it's _Tony_ we are talking about! Nothing would be the same without him! Gibbs will be so sad and angry, Tim and Ziva…"

"Abs stop. I… I've talked to all of them, and it just won't work ok? McGee and Ziva stopped thinking of me as a teammate a long time ago. And Gibbs, what he did… I don't even know if I could forgive him for the rest of my life. I couldn't stay with them anymore."

Hearing Tony's word, Abby slowly let go of the other man's arm she's been holding onto. Tears were prickling in the back of her eyes, but Abby just had to try one last time. "What…what about me, Tony? You know I care about you and would do anything for you, don't you?"

Tony's heart was clenching in his chest. He had hoped for a quiet farewell get-together with these three, but of course, Abby wouldn't let him go without putting up a fight. He needed to stop her before she started making him doubt his decision.

"Do you Abby? You refused to check those two's radios for me when I asked you to, didn't you? They thought my life was a joke Abby, but you were defending them!" Seeing Abby was opening her mouth again, Tony interrupted and went on.

"So, you know what I think Abby? It's not me you care about, it's this little twisted family you thought of us. You were crying about how much you missed Gibbs every day while he was in Mexico, I held you every time you were crying, but you never asked how I was doing even once. You refused to accept there's anything wrong between the four of us, and you would sacrifice me just to ignore the cracks and maintain the perfect image in your head. I can't do this anymore Abs, I have to start doing something for myself."

That's when Tony noticed the woman had become completely still. Fat tears were streaming down Abby's face, she was staring at his face with shock and hurt. Shit, Tony never intended to take his frustration out on Abby. Even if he meant what he just said about her, he could have used gentler words to make her see his true feeling.

"Shit. Abby I didn't mean to…"

"No…no Tony you are absolutely right, I brushed you off whenever you tried to tell me something was bothering you. I should have… I don't know why I… I gotta go." Abruptly, Abby stood up and made a break to the restaurant's front door. Not even bothering to wipe the tears still drenching her face.

"Abby wait!" But she was already gone, not even noticing she had knocked over a lanky kid when she burst out of the door. Looking at the direction Abby had disappeared, Tony just wanted to head slap himself, hard.

"Fuck." Tony breathed out as he banged his head on the table. He had screwed up, again. Once again he severed the chance to remain amiable with one of the people from his past life. And Abby hadn't even done anything to intentionally hurt him like the others.

"Though I don't appreciate the language, Anthony. I do agree that's a suitable word for the current situation. I want to ask about this incident concerning the radio, but I suppose it's not the best time."

Tony almost forgot about the other two men sitting across him until Ducky spoke. He really didn't want to talk about the incident that started the downfall between the two junior agents and himself. Thankfully Jimmy took over for him.

"I'll ask her about it later… much later, Doctor Mallard. Don't worry Tony, I'll talk to Abby. She'll come to terms with it."

Letting out a long breath, Tony put his face into his hands. It felt like he was losing his prided communication skill after resigning from his former job. "I can't stay any longer guys. I keep making things even worse with everyone. I… I think it's best for all of us if I just leave as soon as possible."

Nodding in understanding, Ducky and Jimmy could both see the meetings following his resignation had taken their tolls on Tony. After the three men finished their meal, the doctor and his assistant were ready to head back to the Navy Yard. Standing on the sidewalk, none of them knew what to say, thinking it might potentially be the last conversation they had with each other.

"Got any idea of what you're gonna do next, Tony?" Jimmy asked gently after a long silence.

"There are a few candidates, yes. And…I'm thinking about leaving the country. To start anew, you know?"

The revelation was a surprise to both men. They didn't want to see their friend gone, but both agreed this place held too many painful memories for Tony to stay. They were hoping Tony would choose someplace within drive-distance so they could visit him occasionally, but to move out of the US? Seemed like the former agent was a lot more serious about 'start anew' then they imagined.

"Well, in that case, we wish you a safe flight, Anthony. I'm sure whichever department ended up having you, it would be their luckiest gain, my dear boy." Ducky said while patting Tony on the shoulder, Jimmy quickly chimed in. "Give us a call when you land, ok?"

Tony just nodded guiltily at their sincere words, he hadn't told anyone about his decision of taking a civilian job. He didn't want them to see his vulnerability, that the betrayal and mistreatment from his old team had affected him to the point he chose to leave law-enforcement. Tony decided he would inform the pair about his new profession after he had settled down.

"Thank you, Ducky, Jimmy. I'll… I'm gonna miss you two, a lot."

Ducky and Jimmy took turns to give the former agent a brief hug before they solemnly watched Tony walked away from them. They just hope it wouldn't become the last time they ever saw the man.

NCISNCISNCIS

It had been three days since Jethro Gibbs talked to Anthony DiNozzo, and nothing was the same in the MCRT bullpen.

Team Gibbs was a shell of their former glory. Tim McGee and Ziva David looked like their souls were left somewhere else instead of inside them. All they did was shifting mindlessly through stacks after stacks of cold cases. Even if they were reviewing it, it was usually DiNozzo who would come up with a seemingly nonexistent connection from piles of unrelated texts and pictures. Both of their minds were still reeling from the words their former teammate had said to them. They couldn't decide what emotion they were having when they thought about it. Shock? Anger? Sadness? Maybe eye-opening? Whatever it was, it wasn't anything positive and it's making them unable to focus on their jobs.

Agent Gibbs was a different matter. The rumor of what went down on Monday had spread through the whole building. All the agents were sending side glances and murmurs at the silver-haired agent's way, which only served to worsen the Marine's already dark mood. If Agent Gibbs' normal behavior was considered a bastard, his demeanor for the last three days had almost reached satanic level. The man was smashing everything onto the desk instead of putting it down, shouting unrestrainedly at anyone who looked at him the wrong way. When a janitor made the mistake in attempting to clean former Agent DiNozzo's desk, the older agent's outburst ended up sending the poor man fleeing the bullpen in tears.

What's worse, not even one word was exchanged between the three remaining members of Team Gibbs for the last 72 hours.

When a case came in, Agent Gibbs just silently scanned the information, before grunting dismissively, then handing the case to other teams. The older man had completely ignored the two junior agents, except shushing them with his death glares when they tried to engage him. All Gibbs did for the last three days was dumping cold cases on his team members' desks without uttering a word, and staring at his computer screen without actually reading anything.

Agent McGee and David already looked shell-shocked when they came into work on Tuesday morning, and their boss' attitude only made the two agents became more withdrawn. The goth forensic scientist downstairs wasn't doing much better. The lab which was usually filled with deafening music was completely silent for the last few days. It seemed like the only ones handling the situation relatively well were the pair in the autopsy.

All in all, Team Gibbs was shattered and nobody knew what to do about it.

NCISNCISNCIS

In the end, it was Abby Sciuto who practically dragged McGee, Ziva, and Gibbs back to the eldest man's house. 'Tactical Meeting' Abby had called it. It was probably a good call. None of them were functioning after Tony was gone.

McGee and Ziva were seated on the couch, neither of them knew what to say. Gibbs was standing with his arms crossed, looking as unapproachable as the last three days. It was Abby who finally broke the silence. "Guys come on, it's not working. Nothing is working! We need to talk to each other! Maybe Tony is gone, but he… he'll be watching over us! And he would be so disappointed seeing us like this…"

"DiNozzo's not dead, Abby." Gibbs grunted in annoyance. Which stopped Abby's ramble effectively.

"We screwed up boss, I'm sorry." McGee finally blurted the words out. He hadn't been feeling like himself ever since he talked to Tony on Monday night. The shock, guilt, and second-guessing was making him unable to do anything productive during work time. Also, McGee suspected Ziva was in a similar state judging by her behavior these days.

"I'm not the one you should tell that, McGee." Gibbs said in a clipped tone, it's also the first sentence he had said to the younger man in the last three days.

"I am afraid sorry would not be enough for what we have done to him."

Ziva's subdued tone surprised them a little, this was nothing like her usual snarky self. They hadn't talked about it, but somehow they all knew each other had talked to DiNozzo at some point, and none of their experience had ended well.

"When did you two talk to him?"

"Monday night." The two junior agents answered simultaneously. Since Gibbs was finally talking to them, it's time for them to come clean about what Tony had revealed to them. Taking a deep breath, McGee was the first to start.

"Tony thought I never respected or like him. I…I know I sometimes went over the lines about what I say to him, but he's the one who's been teasing and pranking me every day for years! I thought that's just how we interact with each other… I'd never imagined a lot of stuff I said would become insults and despise about him, but they did." McGee stopped for a moment. Saying it out made him feel a little better, but it didn't make anything easier. "And he… Tony said his life would be so much easier if he hadn't brought me onto the team. I… I know I haven't acted like his friend for a long time, but I would never want to see Tony gone, I swear!" McGee said dejectedly, the young man looked completely defeated.

The lead agent and the other two women just listened in silence. Ok, the situation was really bad. But DiNozzo was a reasonable man, he's just saying things to let out his pent up anger and resentment. He wouldn't wish McGee was never here, would he?

Then it was Ziva who took over the speaking. "Things around here were just so different from Mossad. At first, I just could not tolerate Tony's personality. But as I learned more about him, I knew he was a good man and a competent agent. I just… I suppose I carried the superior attitude as protection, and I never let him knew what I really thought of him." The Israelis woman was fidgeting her cloth in her hands, this whole experience had affected her conscious deeply.

"Even after he organized the operation that led to my rescue, my attitude toward him never changed. I had done unforgivable things to him in Israel, but I thought we had made peace after it. Tony said it was because I was still holding Michael's death over him, and I guess, subconsciously I was. None of it excused my treatment to him for all these times though." Ziva finished with clear regrets in her voice, the other three were shocked to see slight moisture in her eyes.

"So… How did your talk with him go?" McGee asked tentatively.

"Tony was prepared to shoot me for Intrusion. I made the mistake of breaking in at midnight." Ziva answered quietly, as all eyes on her widened a little. "And he said he should probably leave me in Somalia." The female agent finished with her head bowed, unable to look at anyone.

"He said what!?" It's official, the situation was beyond bad. Tony would _never_ say anything like that under normal circumstances.

Shaking her head, Ziva quickly explained. "Then he said it was a joke because we were the ones saying he would use that kind of thing as joking matters. And Tim and I… We should have told you, Gibbs. A few months ago, that case about the bomb…"

"You two turned the radio off when you were supposed to be his backup, then told him it's a joke. Were you two ever gonna mentioned this if DiNozzo hadn't quit?"

McGee and Ziva looked up in surprise, then quickly lowered their heads in shameful acceptance. Of course Tony would've told Gibbs by now. They had regretted the stunt right after the case was wrapped, but Tony never confronted them about it. And somehow, they got the impression that the SFA wasn't authoritative enough to redress them. It was after that, though unconsciously, their attitude toward the former agent became more disrespectful than ever.

"You two really did that!? Gibbs these two were horrible to Tony while he was team lead after you left to Mexico! I knew Tony stayed late in office almost every night, but I just missed you so much I never stopped to check on him. Oh my god, and I didn't believe Tony when he asked me to check the radio! Now he definitely hates me and thinks I never cared about him…" The goth was almost hysterical, which only increased the two younger agents' distress.

A finger was raised in front of her, and Abby immediately stopped her babbling at Gibbs' motion, feeling slightly embarrassed at her outburst. This time Gibbs directed his icy cold glare at the two agents, who looked like they wanted to melt into the couch and disappeared.

"I could fire you two just for that, DiNozzo could've filed an official report about the breach of protocol. What would you two tell me if he was killed or blown up while you were chilling in the van, huh? Somehow, just because he didn't confront you two idiots, you got the idea that you could walk all over him, is that it?"

Both Tim and Ziva knew the tone Gibbs was using. It was usually reserved for criminals who Gibbs was trying hard not to kill. One wrong word out of their mouth, and they were as good as dead.

"It… I don't know what else to say, we were idiots. Tony always had new ways to pull jokes and pranks on us, and we always try to play him back. But it should never extend out of the office, what… what we did was dangerous and completely unprofessional. We did regret it afterward, but we never explained or apologized to Tony, instead we got full of ourselves and treated him worse… We will take whatever punishment you give us Agent Gibbs." McGee used Gibbs' full title to express his seriousness, which Ziva nodded in agreement.

"We only have our stupidity to blame for that incident, Gibbs. But we do care about Tony's life. I know it is no excuse, but we thought Tony was in a supposedly safe neighborhood, so we got thoughtless. We would never turn our backs on Tony during a firefight or immediate danger." Ziva tried to explain their true feelings, though none of it probably mattered now. "But… I guess Tony did not know that either." The female agent finished in defeat. Seeing the older man gave no reaction to her regretful words, Ziva hung her head back down. It was all too little too late.

"Gibbs, but… why did you start being mean to Tony? You are being mad with Tim and Ziva right now, but you have been…" Not much better than them, Abby didn't want to say that out. The same question was on the two agents' minds as well.

Wincing at Abby's unspoken word, Gibbs turned around to face the fireplace. He considered telling them it's none of their business, but quickly thought better. He had already failed his former SFA, he didn't want to fail his remaining team as well. McGee and Ziva had already confessed their thoughts and mistakes concerning DiNozzo, and they seemed sincere. Now It's only fair for Gibbs to do the same, no matter how much it pains him. He needed to lose the second B if he wanted what was left of his team to stay intact.

"I couldn't understand why didn't DiNozzo do anything about those two giving him crap every day, I thought he was holding back on them for some reason but he never talked to me. And being the fucking idiot I was, I thought he would snap and tell me what's on his mind if he became pissed enough at me." Gibbs said quietly without looking at anyone.

McGee, Ziva, and Abby didn't know what to say for a moment. They didn't want to believe Gibbs was the kind of person Tony had suggested in the bullpen, but this?

"Does that mean… you treated Tony badly on purpose, Gibbs?" Ziva asked the man carefully. Tim and she had always treated Tony with less respect they should, yes. But it just became a kind of twisted habit of them, they never did it with the clear intent of hurting Tony in their minds. McGee and Ziva's hearts sank when Gibbs nodded dejectedly.

"Gibbs…" Abby didn't know what was she feeling, shocked and hurt by what Gibbs had done, or sympathy and sadness for what Tony had endured.

"I know Abs, I'm a failure of a team lead and I don't deserve his forgiveness." Gibbs said softly.

"How…how did Tony take this, boss? Did you tell him the truth?"

"Ya think I got a black eye because I fell out of bed, McGee?" Gibbs grumbled out the reply, the man still hadn't turned back to look at his team and the forensic scientist.

All of them had noticed the bruise around the older agent's left eye, but none had asked about it. They were having trouble picturing the scenario of Tony socking Gibbs in the face. But considering what they just learned, what Gibbs did to his second in command for the last ten years, maybe it was a surprise Tony only took one punch at the older man.

The living room was silent for a moment, everyone were lost in their thoughts, guilt, regret, and sorrow. Finally, Abby voiced out their mutual fear in a distraught whisper. "So he really thought none of us liked or cared about him anymore."

It was probably the truth, because none of them gave DiNozzo any reason to believe otherwise. They had no excuses for their treatment and attitude toward the former agent, but on the other hand, Tony wasn't a perfect human being either. DiNozzo always wore that shallow frat boy, skirt-chasing jock image like that's all he was, and sometimes he didn't know when to stop the act. Being the comedic-relief role among the team, Tony gradually became the easy target for their snide comments. Somehow they just forget that Tony had feelings and emotions as well amid all the comments they threw around between each other. They were federal agents, they were trained to work and interact with all kinds of people. But somehow Tony's juvenile and carefree personality just slipped past them sometimes.

The team's dynamic had been wrong and toxic for a long time, but Tony DiNozzo was the one suffering in silence all along. And it had gone on for years. Truthfully, none of them knew what could they ever do to make up for that much mistreatment.

"Do… Do you think we could convince him back, boss? I just couldn't stand Tony walking away while he thought we hated him all this time. We… we could change! Then he'll know how we really…"

"We hurt him a lot for a long time, Tim. Truthfully, I think dragging Tony back would be selfish on our part instead of doing what is best for him." Ziva told McGee gently. She had come to that painful conclusion after a long retrospect. The female agent had thought about all the times she threatened, insulted, even attacked Tony during their years as teammates. If she was in Tony's place, she would never come back to a team like this.

"So you're just gonna give up on him? I knew you wanted Tony gone Ziva!"

"Abby that is not what I…"

"Guys! Let's just calm down and…"

"All of you shut up!" The trio instantly stopped their arguing at the older man's barking order. Still upset and agitated, they all looked at the lead agent expectantly, waiting for Gibbs' instruction on how to handle the situation next.

"Look, we all had our parts in DiNozzo's leaving. But what I did was my conscious choice, I used him. I didn't even try to correct him when he dressed me down in the bullpen. And…" Letting out a suffering sigh, Gibbs rubbed his hand wearily across his tired face. "I betrayed him, my own SFA. And that's unforgivable. He's the one who always followed my rules to the heart, but I broke so many of it with the way I've been handling him. I don't think Tony would ever want to come back as long as I'm still here."

Tim, Ziva, and Abby all stared at Jethro Gibbs in shock. They had never seen the older man looked so guilty and defeated.

All of them were still mulling over Gibbs' last word. Until suddenly, their thoughts were interrupted by a round of knocking on the front door. The sound echoed loudly through the quiet house.

TBC


	6. Last Resort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, RL got a bit hectic recently. I should be able to make the next update within the next three days if nothing goes wrong. As always thanks for everyone who had commented and shared their thoughts, I appreciated all of them.

Everyone was holding their breath, guessing, or hoping who was on the other side of the door. A few moments later, Gibbs walked over and opened the door carefully. To their surprise, it was Doctor Mallard who walked in, followed by none other than Director Leon Vance.

"What is this about?" Gibbs asked pointedly to his long time friend, clearly unhappy with him bringing the director to his house without notifying him first.

"Well Jethro, the good director was asking about your team's whereabouts, since none of you were at your desks in the middle of a workday. So I took it upon myself to bring Director Vance here."

Vance just stood there without uttering a word, carrying a cardboard box under his arm. Sensing the anxiety oozing off the two agents and forensic behind him, Gibbs turned to face the suited man.

"You were looking for us Director? We are in the middle of an important meeting here." Gibbs asked with a hint of hostility. He still didn't know where Vance stood with DiNozzo, whether the suited man was here to stuff another TAD Agent onto his team or not. Then Vance surprised everyone by dropping the cardboard box, which was filled with letters onto Gibbs' coffee table.

"Job offers. From FBI, CIA, Homeland, bunches of PDs across the East Coast, some others from all over the country. Apparently DiNozzo pulled some strings to redirect all the offers with his name to my office. To rub it in my face no doubt."

Leon Vance said with obvious distaste. The mails just kept coming since Tuesday, after the news of the former agent's leaving had spread out. And now some of the agencies were even sending agents to his office when Vance never replied to any of them. He had to deal with so many personnels from all the departments, and if he heard anyone said how much they would appreciate a meeting with former Special Agent DiNozzo once again, he would probably shoot the person.

"So maybe your boy did worth more than how you all have been handling him. Huh?" As he watched McGee's face dropped in shame, David looked away in regret, Sciuto's eyes filled with tears, and Gibbs' whole face darkened. Doctor Mallard looked mildly surprised at his blunt words. Vance decided it's time for him to finally put his hand into this situation.

"I'm not blind, Gibbs. Regardless of what my first impression of DiNozzo was, my mind could be changed. And what was that rule of yours? Something about never wastes good? Well, I couldn't say how good DiNozzo was, but he sure looked wasted for the last couple of months."

Gritting his teeth in frustration and annoyance, Gibbs just wanted Vance to spit out what he was doing here. Surely he didn't come all the way here just to shove the offers for DiNozzo in their faces. "You here to tell us what a bunch of idiots we were, Leon?"

"Your words, not mine. But I am here to announce your team's off rotation. You are not functioning Gibbs, none of you were. You've already thrown three cases to other teams. And guess what, the gossips about how Agent Gibbs purposefully pissed his SFA off because he wasn't man enough to fire the man himself was flying all the way to the feebees. Right now your elite team's reputation isn't doing as well as you might imagine." Vance smirked in amusement at the redness appearing on Gibbs' cheeks. The embarrassed look on the Marine's face was almost worth all the trouble DiNozzo had put him through, almost.

"Your team will not come back to the office until you figure this situation with DiNozzo out, Gibbs. You three acted like he couldn't do anything for you, but after he's gone it's like you all couldn't do anything without him. Drag him back or get over it, it's your choice. But you better make it count this time, because I don't appreciate other alphabet soup snatching good asset from me."

Director Vance's words were a shock to the team. Did that mean even Leon Vance, the director who originally didn't even want DiNozzo in NCIS, saw more worth in Tony than his own team had? Just how many more proofs of their screw-up would be thrown in their faces?

"If you're gonna do something about him, better do it quickly, Gibbs. I don't know why DiNozzo hasn't left yet, but my contact said he just ended his apartment's lease a few hours ago." With that said, Vance turned around then walked out of Gibbs' resident. He never looked back or saw the four distressed faces.

NCISNCISNCIS

Standing in front of the familiar apartment door at 2330 hours, Gibbs was still unsure about what he was going to do was the right thing. It's being three days since he talked to DiNozzo last time, telling him the brutal truth and received a black eye in return. Gibbs thought Tony would be gone right after his lunch with Abby, Ducky, and Jimmy on Tuesday. Why was the younger man still here? What had Tony been up to for the last three days?

After the meeting with the team had ended, Gibbs had gone down to the basement and started working on the boat distractedly. Truthfully, he agreed with Ziva on letting Tony go was in the younger man's best interest. But deep down, Gibbs would give anything in exchange for DiNozzo's return.

Gibbs knew he had no right to beg for Tony's forgiveness. If Mike Franks played him like what he did to DiNozzo, Gibbs couldn't even imagine what would he do to the older man as payback. The fact that Tony had listened to him, even talked to him afterward, was already a blessing in itself. Still, Gibbs didn't want to accept it. Tony had endured Tim and Ziva's behaviors for a long time, but ultimately, it was Gibbs who pushed him over the edge. The man had been his second in command for the last ten years, all of it was undone because of his own ignorance. Gibbs had so many chances to fix things between them over the years, but for some reason, he kept ignoring the cracks and went on like nothing was wrong. Gibbs just couldn't live with that failure and not fight for a chance to fix it with everything he got.

Jethro Gibbs was the head of the team, but Tony DiNozzo was the heart. He brought characteristics and a unique balance to the team, which none of them appreciated until it's gone. The team just wouldn't work right without Tony's presence, the last three days had already proven that. This was their final chance to ask the former special agent to give them a chance to prove themselves, and that responsibility of persuading DiNozzo fell in Gibbs' hands.

If Gibbs succeed, DiNozzo would come back and they all had a chance to redeem themselves by becoming a true team this time. If he failed, then they would have to deal with their failure and live with it. But at the very least, Gibbs hoped he could give Tony some closure after tonight. Either way, this would be the last time he bothered Tony DiNozzo. With that resolve set, Gibbs knocked on the door.

After a few rounds of knocking went unanswered, Gibbs used the spare key he still had to let himself in. Tony was sitting on the couch, A Wonderful Life playing on the screen in front of him, though his eyes looked far away instead of focused on the movie. What took Gibbs aback wasn't the empty expression on the other man's face, but the state of the apartment. Sealed cardboard boxes were stacked along the wall, the shelf that was previously filled with DVDs were now completely empty, a glance proved the kitchen was in the same barren state. Suitcases and duffel bags were sitting by the kitchen table, ready to go as soon as the owner grabbed them. The evidence was right in front of him, DiNozzo was leaving for real.

"What do you want Gibbs?" The quiet and flat question made Gibbs looked back to his former SFA. Tony's usually mischievous green eyes were now dim and dulled, seemingly rubbed off the life that was once there. _Aw Hell DiNozzo, did we really cause this?_ Taking a deep breath, Gibbs started speaking.

"I'm sorry Tony." Seeing the apology didn't even stir a reaction out of the younger man, Gibbs continued. "We screwed up, about a lot of things for a long time. McGee and Ziva had admitted it as well. They just wanted a chance to show you they do care. And what I did…"

What he did was unforgivable, Gibbs thought silently. Even though the origin that started his plan of provoking Tony was out of concern, no reason could justify intentionally undermining his SFA for so long. He should have confronted the two junior agents from the very start, but it's all too late to think about that.

"I was a bastard DiNozzo, a fucking clueless one. I still don't know how to explain why I did that, or why you put up with us for so long… We don't deserve you, Tony." That earned him a glance from the man on the couch.

"I meant every word when I said you were the best agent I had ever worked with, DiNozzo. That's a fact. It's just… I don't know what changed about myself after Mexico, but something did. It's like I knew you were my best agent, but I never acted like it in front of you _._ I broke my own rules, taking you for granted and never realized it until it's too late… For that, I have no excuse." He was struggling, Gibbs knew it. Talking wasn't his strong point like DiNozzo said. But this was why he came here tonight, Gibbs would talk this through for the team's sack.

"But we do regret it, Tony. And I know I have no right to ask you of this, but all of us want a second chance with you. Not just to prove ourselves or soothe our guilt, because you deserve it, Tony. You are a great agent and deserve an equally good team. We want the chance to become that for you. You've given all of us a wake-up-call, McGee and Ziva became a shell of their former selves after you dressed them down. Abby was regretting why she never listened to you about the important stuff. And I… I know nothing I do will make up for how I've been treating you. But I'm a selfish bastard; I don't want to lose you, DiNozzo. I know letting you go was the right thing to do for you, but I still came here to beg you for a second chance on the team's behalf. Because we couldn't be a team without you." He hadn't said this many words in one go for a long time. But if speaking his feeling out was what it takes to bring his SFA back, Gibbs would talk until the sunrise without hesitation.

"So, please Tony. Will you at least give it a thought?"

The speech coming from his normally gruff former boss should've made Tony feel touched, but now he just felt numb and tired. For so long, he had so desperately wanted to hear those words from the older man, but now they just felt fake and hollow. He wanted to believe everything Gibbs just said, but Tony didn't know if he could, no matter how serious and sincere Gibbs had been. He just didn't want to put his trust in the wrong hands and go through that kind of pain and disappointment one more time.

Seeing Tony still refused to acknowledge him, Gibbs made his last move. It's now or never. Taking out an envelope from the pocket inside of his jacket, Gibbs gently placed it on the coffee table, directly in front of the younger man.

Tony glanced at the vanilla white envelope for a second, before looking wearily at the older man. Seeing as Gibbs was going to stay unmoving until he got a reaction, Tony sighed and asked obligatorily "What is it?"

Gibbs' shoulder slumped a little in relief, at least DiNozzo was finally talking. This was his last resort, Jethro Gibbs is a man who shows his feelings with actions rather than words. If this failed, then he would accept there's nothing else he could do to turn the other man around. Taking a deep breath, Gibbs looked straight into his former SFA's eyes and said.

"My resignation. Effective immediately."

Tony's initial response was to bulge his eyes out, gave an incredulous questioning 'What the hell?', or something as dramatic. But he managed to refrain from any of that. What was Gibbs trying to prove by resigning anyway? After staring numbly at the object in front of him, Tony turned hard and cold eyes back to the other man. "What are you playing this time?"

Gibbs had a feeling the younger man's initial reaction wouldn't be good, he sighed as he watched Tony's posture. His whole body was wound tight, ready to bolt or fight in the next instance, just like how he always react when he was uncertain of the other people's intentions. Gibbs would make sure he didn't screw up this time. This time, he would make his feeling clear to the younger man he had taken advantage of for so long.

"No games, DiNozzo. It's already signed, with valid reasons stated. What I did to you proved I'm no longer fit for a team lead, you can send it to Vance tomorrow if you want to. What you do with it is completely your choice and I'll go with it. But… if somehow you chose to not kick me off and decided to come back, I want you to hold onto it. That is my promise to you, that we _will_ become a better team for you."

Gibbs said softly, but the other man just kept staring at him with those cold green eyes. The emotions flashing across Tony's were confusion, slight accusation, and something like… disappointment? Seeing the younger man wasn't going to give a reply, Gibbs continued.

"Look, I understand you couldn't trust us anymore. After all the shit you put up with us, but I… I need to do something, give you something to let you know I'm serious. I wouldn't want anyone but you as my SFA, Tony. McGee isn't ready, Ziva definitely is not. And I won't put up with some random agent Vance picked. This is how much I'd give up for you to give us a second chance."

Gibbs hoped Tony could understand how big of a statement he was making here. He had thought long and hard about what could he do to prove his devotion to the younger man. The envelope was his oath, one that said Gibbs would put his own job on the line to ensure the team and himself treated the talented Special Agent DiNozzo right this time. Because if he somehow broke that promise after being given a second chance with Tony, then Gibbs might lose the faith in himself and his ability to be an agent forever.

Tony was still quiet, too quiet for the older man's liking. Gibbs hadn't felt this nervous in a long time, this could be the moment that decided whether he loses his SFA or not. Finally, Tony let out a long sigh, before he dropped his head into his hands and sank deeper into the cushion. "I heard you, but it's getting late Gibbs. I think it's time for you to go home now."

Feeling disappointed, it wasn't exactly the reaction Gibbs was hoping for. But of course, he couldn't expect DiNozzo to just jump right back to him. Gibbs wasn't trying to guilt-trip Tony by giving him that resignation, the lead agent genuinely felt the younger man deserved the right to determine his position after what he did to him. Gibbs just hope Tony didn't misunderstand the intention of his visit tonight and was actually considering giving them the opportunity to prove themselves. Seeing as Tony wasn't going to say anything more, his posture slumped in the couch as he stared at the envelope, seemingly deep in thought. Gibbs took that as his cue to leave the younger man be for the night.

"Ok, I'll get going. We'll all be in the office on Monday, if you don't fire my ass tomorrow that is. Just… Goodnight Tony." Having said and done what he came for, Gibbs turned back and headed for the door. Even though the look DiNozzo gave him after his explanation wasn't exactly reassuring, the older man had faith Tony would understand the significance of what Gibbs had given him. Before stepping out of the apartment, Gibbs cast one last look at the younger man and said.

"I meant what I said, DiNozzo. We need you with us, we really do. Let us prove it to you, please." Closing the door softly on his way out, the last thing Gibbs saw was Tony hunched over the couch, an unreadable look on his face.

NCISNCISNCIS

Monday morning found the three members of Team Gibbs at their respective desks, doing nothing but shifting papers and pushing random bottoms on the keyboards. All of their minds were still reeling from their meeting on last Friday. McGee and Ziva were aware of Gibbs' visit to Tony that night, though what exactly went down they didn't know. Neither of them had heard from the former agent for the last two days. Whether Tony came back or not, they just hope they could have a chance to talk to their former teammate one more time. The thought of those depressing conversations with the once joyful Special Agent DiNozzo would be the last time they ever talked just seemed too wrong.

Gibbs didn't get much rest over the weekend, his mind going all over the places. He didn't even know if he would still have his job when Monday came. Since Vance hadn't come down or talked to him at all this morning, Gibbs supposed Tony didn't take the perfect chance for payback he just gave him.

So, the only question left was if the younger man would make a change of mind.

If Tony chose to leave, would he remain in touch with his old team? Or will they never see the once vibrant young man ever again? How would he run the team after his SFA was driven away by his own screw-up? If Tony came back, what would he do to ensure the two junior agents give the man the respect he deserved in the future? How should he interact with the younger man, showing that he cared and appreciated DiNozzo's presence without making them awkward or uncomfortable? There were too many thoughts running through the lead agent's mind, Gibbs just couldn't focus on anything work-related until he knew Tony's final decision.

The silence in the bullpen lasted one more hour until the familiar ding of the elevator caught everyone's attention.

Gibbs, McGee, and Ziva's eyes shot up from the reports they weren't really reading at the sound, looking for that familiar pair of green eyes. A moment later, they saw Doctor Donald Mallard stepped out of the elevator and walked toward them. The older man had a sorrowful look on his face, and Gibbs immediately knew he wouldn't like what his long time friend was going to say next.

"Anthony is at the airport right now."

Well shit. Gibbs' first reaction was frustration and a flare of anger. Just what more does DiNozzo need to convince him they could become different and better? Was the resentment he had for them so strong that he just wouldn't give them a second chance, even after all the years they went through together?

The expressions on the two junior agents' faces were decidedly devastated. Ducky was still staring at him with that damn sad look, waiting for him to say something, except Gibbs didn't know what more to say. He had exhausted all the words and moves he could to try and change Tony's mind, and failed. So it seemed DiNozzo's mind was set from the beginning. Gibbs couldn't help but thought bitterly that his Friday visit and ultimatum were all just a waste of time.

"I've tried Duck, we all did. If DiNozzo wanted to leave so bad, maybe we should just let him." Gibbs finally told his friend, his tone carrying his frustration and bitterness.

Ducky shook his head sadly before he started talking in a slightly raised volume, no doubt addressing the two other team members at the same time. "Anthony never said he wanted to leave, Jethro. The phrase he kept using were 'He couldn't stay.' Never once did he say 'He wanted to leave.' Haven't you wondered why the boy didn't just disappear the day you told him the truth? You knew Anthony was capable of vanishing without leaving a trace for us to look for, but he didn't. He stayed, waited to meet you one last time before he shipped his belongings away. That boy was hurting, Jethro. Anthony did not want to leave, he was waiting for us to convince him to stay all this time."

The revelation was a shock to Team Gibbs. McGee and Ziva were confused and skeptical, after all, Tony's attitude during their last conversations didn't give the vibe that he wanted to be convinced. But then their opening words to the former agent weren't that inviting either. Maybe if they thought more carefully about what they're going to say, and what Tony really mean for them, DiNozzo would be the one walking into the bullpen right now.

Gibbs was still mulling over Ducky's word. Tony wanted them to convince him to stay? A slimmer of hope flared up for a moment before anger took place immediately. So if that's the truth, that meant even Gibbs putting his own position on the line wasn't enough to prove their convictions? Then what the hell more did DiNozzo want anyway? Gibbs hadn't come up with a reply before Ducky started again.

"Now Jethro I don't know what you said to Anthony on your Friday visit, but it obviously wasn't what he needed. Even if you're convinced that letting Anthony go was the best choice, at the very least we should all be there for the dear boy. Anthony deserves a proper send-off."

A moment of silence filled the space before Gibbs grabbed his badge and gun, then strode purposefully toward the elevator. McGee and Ziva hastily got up and trialed behind their boss. Gibbs was determined to have one last talk with Tony DiNozzo, the man who had given him ten years of his life, only to end up being wasted away by himself. If there were something DiNozzo needed but never told any of them, Gibbs would figure out just what it was if it's the last thing he did.

TBC


	7. The Airport

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a lot of reviewers had pointed out, yes, I know it would be completely illogical and ruin the story if Tony goes back to the team. But that doesn't mean the decision of leaving was a clean cut for Tony. I don't want to spoil anything, but just a word of hint; What Ducky told the team in last chapter wasn't necessarily the truth.
> 
> I knew a lot of readers wanted to see Tony became a badass agent in other agency and rubbed it in Team Gibbs' face, but there's a lot of amazing stories with that theme already and that was never the direction I was going with. I hope Tony's inner thoughts in this chapter provided some insights.

The airport was a busy place on Monday noon. Sitting alone on a long bench, Tony DiNozzo gazed at the bright blue sky outside of the huge window. It was a beautiful summer day, the sun shining brilliantly and the cloudless sky was a perfect shade of blue. Taking a deep breath, Tony inhaled the air that always has a distinct odor in the airport. It should have been a fitting day for the first step of his new life, but right now Tony's mind was anything but clear and bright.

Watching the space around him, Tony silently observed all the strangers moving around in the buzzing airport. Some were held together in a teary embrace, others were moving apart with a painful expression on their faces. Reunion and departure were two common occurrences in the airport, but it would require more than one person for that to happen. Some others, just like Anthony DiNozzo Junior right now, were alone with their thoughts for company.

Tony had contemplated long and hard over the weekend, he really did. He understood how much courage and resolve it took Gibbs to let him keep a copy of his resignation. He had entrusted him one of the most important things in his life, his job, into Tony's hands to prove his conviction. Making a huge gesture and a relinquish of power to try and will him back to the team. After all was said and done, Tony could still read his former boss' expression perfectly. Jethro Gibbs was distraught from losing him and was genuinely desperate to get him back.

Deep down, Tony wanted to trust Gibbs when he said he could change his behavior and attitude. That man had been his mentor for a whole decade after all, Tony had learned so much about being an agent and a better man from Jethro Gibbs. A second chance for Gibbs to prove himself should be something Tony could easily give the man. Except it wasn't.

He had checked the envelope the older man had left him with, inside was the official resignation form with Leroy Jethro Gibbs' signature in black and white. Another page had explained in detail how he had intentionally degraded his SFA for no reason other than his personal gain, also the verbal abuses and emotional manipulations he had used made him unfit for the position of the team lead. So Gibbs truly regretted his actions and had given Tony the choice to decide his future. But by giving him that envelope, it somehow felt like Gibbs thought Tony would gladly come back just because he now has some kind of leverage against the older man. Gibbs had thrown the 'Do as I say or you're off the team.' line so many times in the past few months. Maybe he thought it's a way to make up to Tony for all the times he used the younger man's job as a threat.

Expect none of those were what Tony wanted. What Gibbs did had hurt Tony deeply, but he didn't want payback, makeup or retribution, hell maybe not even an apology. All Tony wanted was to be trusted and respected, and the sense that he _belongs_ , the proof that Tony DiNozzo was enough for them by just being who he is.

It had felt so simple and straight forward when he walked out of the Navy Yard last week. As for the following visits from his former teammates, McGee had been ridiculous in thinking he was sulking and pulling a prank. Ziva had acted all high and mighty like always, thinking she could just order him back because she said so. Finally, Gibbs' explanation only solidified his decision of walking away. But after he got back from lunch with Ducky, Jimmy, and Abby. Tony had stood in the middle of his apartment and started thinking about everything he had gone through the last ten years.

The last couple of months had been his darkest time, but his life in NCIS wasn't always like that. Tony missed the early days when he first became an agent, as Agent Gibbs' new probie. Gibbs was his usual gruff self, head-slapping him into shape when he drifted away from the job, giving occasional encouragement and compliment after a job well done. It took a while for Tony to become truly comfortable working with the older man, but after that, he realized Jethro Gibbs was the best mentor he had in his life. The man might seem like a bastard and nothing else for an outsider, but Tony had seen Gibbs' strength, his vulnerability, and his sense of justice. He was learning new things every day and getting the accomplishment of making a difference in someone's life.

Years ago, Agent DiNozzo would follow Agent Gibbs' orders without a second thought, having the man's six out in the field, solving cases after cases together. Abby, the cheerful goth girl would give him hugs and demand for Caf-Pow. Ducky, the calm and collected ME would go on and on with stories of his youth. At that time, Tony felt like he finally found the place he truly belonged to. It was all so simple, so _right_ for the four of them once upon a time. Those days felt like a lifetime ago.

Then Kate came along, followed by McGee. And Ari happened, Ziva showed up. The four of them went through some bumpy roads at first, but gradually, they became a team that worked well together. Then Gibbs got blown up. Came the Mexico Incident, an unwanted leadership, four months of toxic workplace, and a lost friendship. Years later, all the things that went wrong in Israel, the operation in Somalia. Finally, McGee and Ziva's 'joke' about leaving him without backup in the field. Things just kept piling up and more and more cracks appeared.

The four members of Team Gibbs were once a well-oiled machine, but people were changed by the experiences they went through. A part of Tony wanted to take his phone out and gave Tim and Ziva a courtesy call. He still regretted his final harsh words to the two junior agents. Despite all the disrespect and verbal abuses he had taken, he would never hope Tim was never on the team or considered leaving Ziva in Somalia. Tony really appreciated McGee and Ziva's company and the different skills they brought onto the team, but their relationships and opinions about each other changed over time. Being a federal agent, Tony knew anything could happen, but he thought his team could withstand the challenges the world threw at them, grew stronger after overcoming it together. Never did he expect the outcome of himself become the odd man out, the stupid incompetent member that got constantly put down just because others feel like it. Tony had cared about all of them, probably more than he ever cared about than anyone in his life. At one point, Tony even secretly referred the team as his true family. That's why the rejection had hurt so badly and cut so deeply.

Which led his thought back to the current situation. If he was being honest to himself, Tony's willing to give Gibbs a chance to live up to his words. After the length Gibbs went to persuade him back, perhaps it was possible for the older man to change and treat him as his trusted SFA like old times. But McGee and Ziva? he wasn't so sure. They might act civil for a few days, then he knew the old pattern would resurface. Gibbs said they both regretted the way they treated him, that those two wanted Tony back as their Senior Field Agent. But in his heart, Tony knew better. People don't just develop respect for someone they've been putting down for years. They thought Tony would remain as their whipping boy forever, and the sudden loss of it had them off-kilter. They might try to change, but McGee would hold onto his MIT degree and his title of computer master, Ziva would forever be the overconfident Mossad ninja and carry that superior attitude with her. Those two had never viewed him as their superior, and would always think they were better than him, end of the story.

If things went tense between the three of them again, Gibbs would be forced to choose between defending Tony against the other two, or broke his promise and let it slide. He didn't want that outcome for anyone. Telling Gibbs to choose between his team members was like asking a man to choose which of four limbs he would cut off. As much as Tony wanted Gibbs' support, and how much he was hurt by those two's remark all these years, he never wanted to see Gibbs have a confrontation with McGee and Ziva on his expense.

Tony was the Senior Field Agent, he should have been able to handle the two junior agents on his own, instead of needing his boss to come to his aid like a shy high school kid. But instead, Tony had avoided a confrontation with Tim and Ziva after 'The Radio Joke', that was another decision he was deeply regretting right now. It was the Senior Field Agent's responsibility to discipline the junior agents when they overstepped, but Tony had hoped the two would come to their senses and realize their mistakes, apparently that was ignorance on his part. If he had stepped in, maybe things wouldn't get so out of control and turn into this whole mess.

Finally, Gibbs' resignation in that envelope was just a symbol of his promise, nothing more. Despite all the times the older man had used his position as a threat, Tony would never get rid of Gibbs from NCIS just for payback. Even if Tony chose to go back, he would never use it just because Gibbs prioritize other teammates before him either.

If Gibbs truly felt he was no longer fit for the team lead, he would have hand in the resignation before he came to visit on Friday. No, what Gibbs meant was he was no longer fit as _Tony DiNozzo's team lead_. What Gibbs did to him was a bastard move, there's no excuse for that. But Jethro Gibbs was still a decorated Marine and a capable agent. The lead agent was gruff and stoic around the junior agents, but he would never try what he did to Tony with McGee or Ziva. The bottom of the issue was his estranged relationship with DiNozzo all along. Getting the older man off NCIS wouldn't change or fix anything except making Tony a bitter man.

Gibbs, McGee, and Ziva made a good and balanced team, a team that DiNozzo no longer belonged to. No matter how much Tony wanted to be a part of it, how much he wanted to honor the efforts Gibbs had made to get him back. Tony just didn't think he could take the feeling of worthlessness and rejection one more time.

In the end, Tony DiNozzo came to the airport. He would miss his old team, or rather what they used to be, but going back now wasn't a risk he was willing to take anymore.

NCISNCISNCIS

After confirming the job he wanted to take, Tony had ignored all the offers from the law-enforcement agencies and police departments, instead directed them all to Leon Vance's office. It was a spiteful action really, but Tony just wanted The Director to realize he wasn't an unwanted, outdated agent he had to put up with for Gibbs' sack. _Just distribute them to your 'Backup Personnel', Vance. Let's see how many would go through._ Tony had thought bitterly when he saw how many offers he got in the end.

A part of him still regretted not to continue as an agent or officer, but this was what Tony DiNozzo needed right now. He needed to shake the 'incompetent teammate nobody respected' impression that was seeded in him by his former team. Tony felt like he just couldn't be the confident agent he once was anymore, not to mention all the trust issues he already had. Tony DiNozzo needed a new scenario, to become someone that didn't need to put his life into his teammate's hands, while constantly watching over his back because he didn't know who to trust. Starting anew was his only option now. So Tony took an oversea civilian job and decided to leave the country altogether. He couldn't stay in the same place without seeing reminders of his past life every day. Not to mention he wouldn't know how to react if he ran into his former coworkers in the future.

Getting up from the bench to stretch his legs, Tony looked at his watch. The boarding would start in just 30 minutes, then Tony would be gone from DC, from NCIS, his life for the last ten years…

"Anthony." Tony turned around at the call of his name. He only made a brief call to inform Ducky he was leaving this morning, so he was glad and a bit surprised the older man cared enough to make the hasty trip here and bid him farewell.

What he wasn't expecting was the whole team, including Abby and Jimmy, standing beside the old doctor, right there at the airport during work hour. Tony thought Ducky might inform Gibbs of his departure, but knowing that man, Tony thought Gibbs would be too pissed to come after he realized Tony still chose to leave after what he had offered on their last interaction.

An awkward silence stretched on between the seven people. Tony was sure Ducky and Jimmy only came to say goodbye instead of trying to drag him back one last time, but he wasn't sure what intentions the others had. Since they had come all the way to the airport, Tony thought he owed them the courtesy to speak up first.

"Um… Hey guys." Ok, it only made everything even more awkward, he's losing the DiNozzo charm after all the turmoil he went through this week. Thankfully Ducky took over and save them from more uncomfortable silence.

"We are all here to give you a proper farewell, dear boy. We all respect your decision and wish you goodwill for whatever you chose to pursue in your life next." Jimmy nodded along with the older man's word, looking straight into Tony's eyes to convey the same message.

Tony's eyes stung a little at the sincere words, he would definitely miss the old ME and his young assistant. Surprisingly, McGee was the next to speak up. "Er… Wh…Where are you lea… leaving, Tony?" Geez, the stuttering probie was back at full force. If this was the result of one dress down from him, Tony couldn't imagine how McGee would survive Gibbs' mood swing without him as the buffer in the future.

"Away. But I believe you or Abby could dig up the answer if you want to." Damn it, Tony cursed inwardly. Sure they had hurt and disappointed you, but they were your teammates for years, it might even be the last time you talk to them. Get a grip DiNozzo and be civil for just this once. Before Tony could try to save the conversation which was quickly turning cold and hostile, Ziva, the snarky ex-assassin was the next one to talk.

"Tony, wherever you chose to go, we wish you well. And… I am sorry, especially for the stunt Tim and I pulled. We were thoughtless and unprofessional, but we would never think your life is expandable. You were a great agent and had taught us a lot. We are not here to force you back, we just want a chance to say goodbye. And… you will be missed. I… We hope you are willing to keep in touch."

Tony's eyes did widen at that. Wow, did Ducky wrote a script for her to say? No, she wouldn't comply even if he did. Tony wondered, could Ziva truly mean what she just said? Then he saw her eyes. Regrets and sadness were all he could see in those slightly moist eyes. They had gone through so much together, saved each others' lives numerous times. Ziva David had been one of the main reasons he was leaving, he even hated her with passion during some critical times. But now she's talking to him with honesty at this last moment, even after he had hurt her with his words during their talk last time. For that, Tony didn't quite know how to react.

"I will consider it, thank you Ziva." Tony replied with a nod. Ziva nodded in return with a small grateful smile. Tony hadn't seen Ziva smiled at him without any malice or smugness for longer than he could remember. If this was a glimpse of how Ziva had changed after the last time they talked, could he be wrong with his assumptions of them? Suddenly Tony lurched backward as he was caught in a tight embrace. Abby's face was buried in his chest, wetness already spreading through his shirt. "I'm so sorry Tony I never knew how you felt, how we made you feel. Please don't hate us for the rest of your life. If only you could say something earlier we could have done something more for you or make it up to you, not that I'm blaming you for not saying anything and just left like this but it's just…"

"Abby." The pressure of Tony's gentle hand on her head put a stop to her ramble. "I don't hate you, Abs. I never would. But things change, and it's just time for me to step away." Abby's head shot up to look at him, opening her mouth before Tony started again. "Too many things had happened. I know you hate changes, but things just aren't the same anymore. And I just… I think it's best for everyone."

Abby knew to say more would just make it harder for him, so she tightened her lips and nodded. They had promised Ducky not to upset Tony on the way to the airport. So she pushed her teary face back into Tony's chest, stealing one last embrace from the friend that she had failed.

"Give me a call if you ever need anything Tony, and I mean anything. I'll be there for you." Jimmy told Tony as he stepped closer to give him a pat on the shoulder. McGee stood right beside him nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry, Tony. For years I've said so much hurtful stuff about you without using my brain. You… you were my best friend at one point, but I never appreciated it until I lost you. I wouldn't be the agent I am right now were it not for you. I know you'll do well wherever you choose to go next, just… I'll miss you, a lot. I know you probably hate me for how I've been treating you, but… I want you to know I never hated you, Tony. Never. If you ever need any help with computers or hacking something, I'll be a call away." He finally managed to get the stuttering under control, McGee promised himself on the ride here that he would part way with Tony on as much of a good term as he could get. After all the fallouts they had failed to fix, a warm goodbye was the least Tim could give to his lost friend.

Slightly stunned by McGee's words, Tony averted his eyes from the younger man. He didn't know how to handle this completely different versions of his former coworkers. Should he believe what they just said? This was exactly how Tony pictured they would behave if he chose to go back. But instead of playing nice to keep their Whipping Boy DiNozzo from getting away as Tony had imagined, they were being sincere and heartfelt in their apologies and bidding him goodbye. Though apologies didn't mean anything at this point, Tony couldn't help but felt a bit of warmth seeped into his heart.

With one arm still holding Abby close to him, Tony saw Tim moved closer to him, his arms raised with an uncertain expression. Tony hesitated for a moment, before raised his other arm and allowed himself to be pulled into a brief hug by McGee, then another pair of arms joined when Ziva stepped beside them. The two-men-and-women group hug lasted a few seconds before Ziva leaned into Tony's ears and whispered. "We do not blame you."

Tony knew this time she wasn't accusing him of leaving or taking the coward way out, but addressing his last lash out at all of them. He was surprised they had figured out it was a way to get them off his back rather than hurting them as payback, more so that they're willing to forgive him, considering what he had said and done. "Thanks, I'm sorry about that too." Ziva and Tim gave an understanding nod, then Abby's eyes were boring into Tony's.

"But will you forgive us, Tony?"

Abby's pleading question almost became Tony's undoing. There's so much he wanted to say and ask. These people were once his closest friends. Despite everything that went down, they had been through so much together during the years they had been teammates. Tony couldn't help but powdered the possibility of getting the good old times back. But the rational part of him won out. It's all too little too late, his belongings had already being shipped out that morning so there's no turning back now. Besides, he wasn't leaving for himself, but for the sack of everyone. He had finally convinced himself no good would come from going back, he couldn't let this moment of weakness affect that decision now. Tony's resolve in walking away was unwavering, but at this moment, he had no problem answering Abby's question.

"One day I will."

Apparently that was a good enough answer for them as the three stepped away from him. Tony felt like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulder. Saying those hateful words to his former friends to ward them off had hurt more than he thought. Tony was just grateful that he got this tender moment as the last memories of them before the inevitable departure. There's still a huge chasm and lots of unresolved issues between them, but maybe given enough time, they could build something new and remain in each others' lives.

Now the absence of one particular voice wasn't lost to his attention. Tony took a deep breath, before turning around to face the man who had yet uttered a word upon arrival.

"Gibbs."

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand this might not be what people expected for this story, since I lost quite a few followers after last chapter was posted. For readers who have lost interests in this story, I want to thank you for reading this far. For readers who are still enjoying this story, I hope I won't disappoint you with the rest of it.
> 
> Like I stated before, I didn't want to make the team into the villain, and Tony's own issues will eventually be addressed as well. It might seems like Tony was going back and forth with his thoughts, and the team's change of attitude was too sudden. But in my personal experience, this is how unpredictable the relationships between human beings are. The conflicting emotions are what make these characters real, and these dilemmas are the things I wanted to explore in this story. There're still a few twists along the way, but I do have a clear vision of how this story will end. As always, feedbacks are always welcomed, both positive and negative.


	8. Goodbye?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone's kind word and encouragement, this story has gotten a much more positive response than I had expected. A little fun fact, the last bit of this chapter was actually where I first started writing this story, so it was always planned to end up like this. I'm actually really nervous about the response I'll get, since this will be another controversial chapter.
> 
> Lastly, the next few updates will take a bit longer, since I had less time to write lately. Sorry for the wait, but I hope it will be worth it once we reach the end. Until next time.

The airport was a busy place on Monday noon. Standing quietly a few feet away from his team, Jethro Gibbs gazed at the bright blue sky outside of the huge window. It was a beautiful summer day, the sun shining brilliantly and the cloudless sky was a perfect shade of blue. Taking a deep breath, Gibbs inhaled the air that always has a distinct odor in the airport. It should have been a fitting day to send his former SFA off to his new life, but right now Gibbs' mind was anything but clear and bright.

Watching Tony DiNozzo being embraced by his two former teammates and the forensic scientist, the lead agent couldn't pinpoint what emotion he was feeling right now. He had prepared himself for a civil farewell on the drive to the airport, but as he watched the scene before him, Gibbs felt doubts and regrets creeping in once again. They could've had this. The way they acted like they genuinely cared about each other right now, this was how his team was supposed to be. But now an essential part of it was walking away. That thought only made Gibbs' heart twisted more painfully, because a major part of the reason was his own actions.

After the others had stepped away, Tony slowly turned around to face him directly. Gibbs watched as the younger man took the few steps forward to stand right in front of him. His former SFA took a deep breath, before he looked him straight in the eyes and opened his mouth.

"Gibbs."

NCISNCISNCIS

Tony was nervous. He couldn't predict how would Gibbs interact with him at the moment. Knowing the older man, Gibbs would probably be pissed and feeling betrayed by Tony's decision of leaving, even after he had tried his hardest to turn his former SFA around. Tony just hoped the other man could understand that sometimes, a loss of trust between people just couldn't be fixed. No matter how much they wanted to.

"So, this is your final choice then." The silver-haired man said quietly.

Ok, not as hostile as he thought, but not friendly either. Tony would need to tread carefully. "I understand what you told me on Friday, and I appreciated it, Gibbs. I know you hate it when things went against the way you want it, but it's just too little too late for me. I believe what I'm doing is the best for everyone. I hope you can understand."

The older man stayed silent for a few seconds before Tony saw his shoulders slumped down a little. In defeat, guilt, or acceptance, Tony didn't know. But at least Gibbs seemed to understand there's no chance for Tony to change his decision now. Looking at Gibbs' posture, Tony felt a pang of sorrow and loneliness in his heart. This was his last chance to bear his heart to the older man, and he would make it count before the impending departure.

"Thank you, Gibbs. For everything. For bringing me into NCIS and making me into an agent. I wouldn't be the man I am today without you. The last ten years have been… impactful. Someone could probably write a TV series about everything we went through together…" Tony chuckled at the last bit, though it was an act to hide the lump that suddenly formed in his throat at the word 'together'. "You've taught me so much, and I've become a better man than before I met you. So… Thanks, Gibbs. For everything you've ever done for me."

 _As for everything you hadn't done for me, it will all become history._ Tony addedsilently in his head. The former agent was having so much conflicting emotions facing the older man. Looking at Gibbs' face, Tony felt like he was watching a slide show of their times together, distorted images were flying through his mind. The good times, the first five years when they were mentor and protégé had been one of the happiest periods of Tony DiNozzo's life. After Gibbs' brief retirement, it all went downhill from there. They started drifting apart, the relationship became distant and detached. And it kept worsening until they were led to this very moment.

Tony observed the older man's reaction. Gibbs' eyes were downcast, his arms were folded tightly across his chest. His fingers were clenched around his biceps. It was obvious the man was uncomfortable with this conversation. But Tony needed to let out his true feelings before he walked away from Gibbs for good, so he went on.

"Despite everything that happened in the last few months, you have been an important part of my life, Gibbs. I hope… one day, we can find a better understanding of each other." Finishing with an involuntary choke, Tony reached his right hand out as a peace offering, inviting the older man for one final handshake.

To Tony's surprise, Gibbs ignored his extended hand completely. Instead, the older man moved forward and pulled him into a tight embrace. Tony stiffened up at first, before relaxing and let his head lean against the other man's shoulder. Aside from all the head slaps, this was the first time Gibbs had touched him in such a gentle and caring way in years. Taking comfort in the uncharacteristic gesture, Tony closed his eyes and let himself relish this final moment.

Holding the younger man in his arms, there're so many things Gibbs wanted to say. Sorry we let you down. We don't want to lose you. Will you ever forgive me? We could have become so much more. But none of them would do Tony any good right now. At this moment, Gibbs needed to keep his guilt and regret away. This time, Gibbs chose to say what DiNozzo needed to hear instead of what he wanted to say.

"Whatever you do next, you give it your best, DiNozzo. Got it?"

The tone Gibbs was using was one of the most gentle ones. Tony had only heard the older man used that voice on traumatized kids who just lost their families. Well, maybe Tony wasn't that far off from that description. A moment later, Tony felt Gibbs' hand moved to his head and gave his hair a gentle ruffle. Then he heard the older man whispered into his ears. "You probably don't believe me, but I'm proud of you, Tony."

Pressing his face into Gibbs' shoulder and fighting hard to not let the tears fall, Tony nodded before he said in a low voice. "About that thing you gave me on Friday, I… I burnt it. You made a mistake, but you don't deserve to be banished for it, Gibbs. You are a great agent and NCIS still needs you. Just… promise me no one else will ever go through what I did."

Swallowing hard at Tony's request, Gibbs thought bitterly. _'Then why the hell are you banishing yourself for our mistakes?'_ Even after Gibbs had done things he knew would hurt the younger man for his own purpose, Tony still chose to believe he was team lead material. Instead of seeking retribution against him, Tony chose to ask Gibbs to take the experience as a lesson and become a better man. Gibbs suddenly realized he was losing a man who was so much more than just an agent. Holding Tony a little tighter against himself, Gibbs nodded and whispered into the younger man's ear .

"I promise."

NCISNCISNCIS

The team looked on as the lead agent and his former SFA pulled away from each other before Tony picked up his duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. None of them missed the flash of sorrow and loneliness on Tony's face when he turned around and started walking toward the boarding gate. Abby, McGee, and Ziva had come to terms with Tony's leaving. This was their own doing, all of them had been parts of the reason Tony felt the need to leave. Giving the former agent a peacefully farewell was the least they could do in the end. But they also knew Gibbs was the one having the most trouble letting the younger man go. They just hope the older man could let his obsession go and do the same for Tony.

They should've known better.

"Is this really what you wanted, DiNozzo?"

Tony's journey toward his destination stopped abruptly. _'Don't get worked up. You know how Gibbs is, he's just having a hard time watching you walk away. Just stay calm and say goodbye, DiNozzo. This is not the time for another confrontation.'_

"We can't always get what we want, Gibbs. Look, I appreciate all of you coming here to send me off, but it's time to say goodbye." Tony replied in a strained voice before he took another step closer to the gate. But to his irritation, Gibbs wasn't done yet.

"What have you been doing since last Tuesday?"

None of your business, that's what Tony wanted to say. Hadn't Gibbs realize he no longer had the right to pry into his personal matters? What he had been doing those three days doesn't matter anymore. They were having a heartfelt farewell just a moment ago, Tony really didn't want to turn his last conversation with the older man into another fight, so he took control of his temper and gritted out. "Job hunting."

"Jethro, now really isn't the time to…" Ducky tried to stop Gibbs with his interrogative questioning, the others were getting nervous as well. But to their distress, the old doctor's word fell on deaf ears.

"It wouldn't take you three days." Gibbs said without missing a beat, the disbelief was obvious in his tone.

"Well, it did." The former agent replied with a clipped tone.

"You sent all the offers to Vance's office."

"Because I didn't take any of them."

The revelation stunned all of them for a bit, Tony was giving up law-enforcement? They had thought Tony was going to join one of the European agencies, but they never imagined he would actually give up on being an agent or officer. Came to think of it, maybe it shouldn't surprise them as much as it did. Tony was left without backup by his teammates during an operation as a joke, of course he was suffering from major trust issues now more than ever. Gibbs clenched his fists tightly as the realization hit him like a kick to the gut. "You are a damn good agent, DiNozzo. Don't give that up because of us. I just want to know what's really on your mind before you leave, that's the last thing I ask you for."

Tony didn't answer immediately. The reply came quietly as he spoke without turning back to face the other man. "I'm about to get a new job and start a new life, Gibbs. That's the only thing on my mind. I thought you were here to say goodbye instead of another interrogation?"

"That was the plan. But I'm just saying, you look pretty uncertain and miserable for a man who's about to start his new life."

Tony's temper was quickly rising the more he listened to the older man. Was the tenderness they just shared just another way for Gibbs to play with his emotion? "Look, no matter what you're trying to do here, it won't work, Gibbs. I thought you promised you're done with these manipulation bullshits just a few minutes ago. What the hell are you trying to achieve? Haven't I made myself clear that I will not go back no matter what?"

"I'm not trying to play you or drag you back, DiNozzo. I just want to understand. Why are you punishing yourself instead of us?"

The question made Tony froze up. There's no way Gibbs could figure out what had he been thinking last week. Yet, the older man's question somehow hit a bit too close to home for Tony's comfort. Biding each other farewell was the only thing they should be doing, yet Gibbs just had to push to satisfy his curiosity. He couldn't open up to his former boss about his inner thoughts. Maybe one day he could, but definitely not now. Tony needed to end this conversation as quickly as he could, so he went on the offense.

"Stop talking like you know what I'm thinking! How was getting away from your clutch count as punishing myself, huh? You think I'm giving up the glory of being a part of your amazing team? Is that what you're implying, Gibbs?"

Sensing the younger man's darkening mood, Gibbs replied in a calm and gentler voice. "That's not what I meant, Tony. I respect your decision. I know you're more capable than being an agent and I'll support whatever you choose to do. You could've disappeared right after you quit if you wanted to, but somehow you didn't. In the end, you didn't throw me out on Friday despite you have all the right and reason to, you didn't take the perfect chance to get payback on me, and now you're giving up doing what you loved. Sure looks like you are punishing yourself."

"So what, you wanted me to get you fired? Then why didn't you do it yourself! I don't want to have leverage against you like we are fighting for some kind of power play, Gibbs! We were supposed to be a team, not… not whatever this is we have become! If only…" Tony stopped himself before too much truth came out. Ignoring the others' shocked and confused looks at the mention of getting Gibbs fired, Tony took a calming breath before he continued in a more even voice. "We were a great team years ago, but people changed. I ended up being the odd man out, so I chose to walk away. Not just for myself, but all of us! You guys still work great together, what you need is a new teammate to suit your style. And I…"

"I didn't resign myself because you deserve the right to make that decision! Or you just wanted to watch me do it myself? Say the word and I'll tell Vance I quit right now in front of you." Gibbs interrupted, his hand simultaneously pulling his phone out. The others were sending him questioning looks, but his eyes were only on the younger man in front of him.

"I was the one who broke the rules and treated you like a bastard, but you never stopped being a devoted agent, even when you felt like none of your team cared about you. If anyone deserve to be banished from law enforcement, it should've been me! I was the one who made the mistakes, but you chose to punish yourself when you did nothing wrong." His voice was starting to raise, but Gibbs couldn't stop his agitation as he took a step closer to Tony.

"And we don't work great together, DiNozzo. Not without you. Hell we don't even know how to be a team without you! We want you to stay and we need you for the team! I don't blame you for hating us after how we've been treating you, but everything we went through together meant _something_ to you, or you wouldn't stay this long. If you're having this much trouble walking away, why not just talk it out like what you told me to do?"

"Gibbs, you need to calm down. We are not here for a fight." Ziva had stepped closer to the older man upon sensing the conversation was getting heated. Ducky and Jimmy were standing behind Gibbs, ready to take action if the situation got any worse. Abby and McGee had also taken a protective stance behind Tony. The atmosphere was heartfelt just a moment ago, none of them wanted the two men's departure to become another disastrous confrontation.

But something Gibbs just said struck a nerve, before he could stop himself, Tony was yelling back at the older man. "Because this is the problem, Gibbs! You keep saying how much your team wants me, how much you need me. You are still thinking of me as an accessory of your team! Have you ever stopped for a second, just one second? To maybe think about _what I want? About what I need?_ No, you've been thinking about yourself all along!"

"Tony come on, you've got a flight to catch. We can talk about this another time." Seeing the two men's emotions were spinning out of control, McGee gently took hold of Tony's elbow and tried to pull the older man forward. Tim needed to get these two away from each other before they did something they would regret for the rest of their lives.

"It's ok Tony, we all understand why you need to leave. Let's just… Gibbs stop!" Abby was desperately trying to soothe the situation, but her effort of comforting Tony was disrupted when Gibbs took hold of the younger man's bicep and abruptly pulled Tony toward him. The others stared at the scene in horror, this was the exact thing they had hoped wouldn't happen.

"Then why don't you tell us! You were the only person who dared to stand up to me, that's why I brought you in from Baltimore. You were my second in command for years, and you never had any problem telling me I was full of crap when we were a two men team, why did you stop doing that!" He was losing his temper, Gibbs knew it. He heard the others trying to calm him down in the background, but the words didn't register with him. Pulling the younger man to face directly at him, the silver-haired man continued on.

"Yes, we were clueless bastards, but you held back on all of us and just took all the shits we put you through until it became too much. You would never let this kind of thing dragged on if it happened to anyone else. Why did you stop standing up for yourself? There's something more to it. Just what is it you really want DiNozzo?"

The raised volume was starting to attract side glances from the passer-by, but Gibbs didn't care. He just wanted to understand what's really on Tony's mind. Despite the dressing downs he had given all of them, it was obvious Tony still have some trouble leaving them all behind. There was something guarded deep inside the younger man's heart. Something he desperately wanted but was too afraid to say it out. They could've prevented this whole mess if Tony just let them know the real problem early on. At the moment, all the tenderness they shared minutes ago was completely gone. Gibbs just wanted to get the answer, the real reason why the younger chose to walk away, even though the decision was clearly hurting him.

Staring at the older man's contorted face, Tony's whole body went still as he pondered Gibbs' words. What he truly wanted? That's a pointless question, Tony thought bitterly. Because he knew he could never have it whether he said it out or not.

Tony DiNozzo wanted _his team_ back.

He wanted the Jethro Gibbs before he was blown up and dumped all the responsibilities on him without a second thought, then coming back like nothing ever happened and became a distant and irrational man. Tony wanted the Gibbs who had unconditional trust in his second in command, who would give him an approving ruffle on the head with an 'Atta boy.' when he did a good job. The Gibbs who would show his protectiveness and support to his team through his gruff gestures. The man Tony had once looked up as a father figure.

He wanted the Timothy McGee before he became overconfident about his specific skill and degree. Tony wanted the Tim who was still a little green as a field agent, but was an honest and genuine person who wanted to improve himself. The slightly awkward probie that Tony had secretly cherished as a trustworthy teammate. The man Tony had once considered a younger brother.

He wanted the Ziva David before she became spiteful after losing a lover. Tony wanted the Ziva who would have trouble figuring out all the American idioms. The ex-assassin who's confident about her abilities, but was making an effort to understand the meaning of teamwork, while occasionally showed she truly cared about her teammates. The woman who Tony had once indulged himself with all kinds of fantasies and possibilities.

But just like Caitlin Todd couldn't be brought back after a bullet went through her forehead, his teammates couldn't be reduced back to their former selves either. Things happened, people changed. Tony had also changed a lot along with his teammates, but that didn't mean he liked the present better than the past. No matter how many times they apologized, how they swore they could become better, the cracks between their relationships would be there forever. What Tony desired was childish and unrealistic, he knew it. That's why he couldn't say the word. Especially to Gibbs, the man that had mattered to him the most, but never realized why had he started treating his second in command differently.

"I… it doesn't matter anymore. We can talk again after I settle down, Gibbs. But I've got a plane to catch. Just let me go, please." Tony said quietly while pulling at his arm, but Gibbs' iron grip held on.

"Jethro, get your hand off Anthony. Now!" Ducky was openly yelling at the silver-haired agent. The others stared at the old doctor in shock, none of them had ever seen Ducky this agitated before.

"No Duck. I've spilled my guts to him already, but DiNozzo here is still holding back on us! What aren't you telling us? Spit it out now, Tony. Or you're never catching that flight!" As soon as the harsh words were out of his mouth, Gibbs knew he had screwed up, once again.

Upon hearing Gibbs' barking voice, Tony suddenly felt like he was no longer in the airport. He was standing in his father's study. Anthony DiNozzo Senior was towering over the little boy with his larger body, a furious expression on his face. The older man grabbed the boy's slim arm and started shouting in his son's face. What his father had said to him, Tony couldn't even remember, but he remembered the emotions he was having. Fear, confusion, disappointment, and a trace of anger. In the end, it was usually fear that won out, which made him submit to the older man. While Tony was lost in the memories, his father's face started morphing into Gibbs'. The older man was pulling at his arm, shouting in his face demanding Tony do exactly what he said. Just like Senior had done to him so many times in his childhood.

Tony felt a sense of panic gripped his heart. He needed to stop this. Gibbs wasn't his father, and Tony wasn't afraid of him. He couldn't let the older man power him into his will again. Not this time. Tony couldn't deal with Gibbs right now. Not when some of his long-buried issues about his father suddenly resurfaced and the plane to his new life was leaving in a few minutes. Tony was caught in a fight-or-flight moment. But instead of flighting like he did so many times before, this time, Tony chose to fight back.

Shaking the hand on his bicep off, Tony shoved his former boss back forcefully. He put on his best indifferent smirk as he spit the words out. "You really are nothing but a bastard, aren't you? Well, now I'm starting to feel she was the lucky one."

As he looked at Gibbs' confused expression, Tony knew there's no turning back now. The boarding was ending in a few minutes, there's only one way to shake Gibbs off when he's like this. He needed to push Gibbs away by hitting him where it hurts the most, and hit it hard. Just like Gibbs knew what buttons to push to piss him off, Tony knew the older man's sore spot as well. He would hate himself for the rest of his life once he did this, Tony knew that. But he was convinced it was the only way. Taking one last dreadful breath, Tony squared his shoulders and looked straight into Gibbs' blue eyes. His hands were shaking, because Tony knew once he said these words, this would be the last time he ever saw Leroy Jethro Gibbs in his life.

"I'm just glad that Kelly got the easy way out early on. Just look at you, who knows how the poor girl would turn out if she's raised by a bastard of a father, right?"

The time seemed to freeze around them.

Tony saw the exact moment Gibbs' hand twitched to the gun strapped on his hip. He thought Gibbs would actually take it out and shoot him point-blank right there in the middle of the airport. To Tony's surprise, the older man's hand stilled in mid-air before it reached the weapon. Though Gibbs didn't put a bullet in his head like he was prepared to, Tony felt like he would be dead on the floor already if looks could kill.

He had never seen this look on Gibbs's face thorough the time he had known the older man, Tony imagined he was wearing the same expression when he faced his wife and daughter's killer all those years ago. The silver-haired man just stayed on the spot for a few seconds, pinning Tony's face with that murderous look, before he abruptly turned around and stormed out of the airport terminal without looking back.

It's done. Tony had finally pushed Gibbs away for good and destroyed the chance to salvage any kind of relationship with his former mentor. His words had shaken the older man off, just like he intended. But Tony didn't feel any kind of glee or triumph as he watched the other man's retreating figure disappeared from his sight.

It took the stunned group a bit longer to recover from the shock. Jimmy didn't know what to do, Abby and the two junior agents were dumbfounded by the turn of event, torn between staying and going after the upset man. While the others were staring at the airport gate with gaping mouths, Ducky was the first to take action. The old doctor turned to the younger with furious and disbelieving expression and exclaimed. "Anthony that was way out of line! Do you have any idea what you just…" The rest of Ducky's berating died in his throat when he looked at Tony's face.

The cruel smirk that was there just moments ago was completely gone. They had never seen such painful and regretful on Tony's face. Thick tears were streaming down his cheeks as he stared at the floor, unable to meet those people's eyes. Tony opened his mouth, seemingly going to say something, but a choked sob was the only thing he got out. In the end, the distraught man just shook his head dejectedly and picked up his luggage.

"I'm sorry Ducky. I guess it's just never supposed to work out."

With that, Tony DiNozzo turned around and walked through the boarding gate without another word.

It was a beautiful summer day, the sun shining brilliantly and the cloudless sky was a perfect shade of blue. It should have been a fitting day to start his new life, but as Tony DiNozzo stepped onto the plane, bleak emptiness was the only emotion he could feel.

TBC


	9. Nuova Vita

It was a cold winter. The crisp air was whipping through the city, but the coldness doesn't seem to damper people's joy and anticipation for the upcoming holiday. Inside of a particular university, a group of student was currently seated in a huge circle in the middle of the classroom. 'The Campfire,' as the professor had called it, had been a great way to encourage the kids to participate in discussions and bounce ideas with each other.

Sitting among the circle, a dark-haired man was talking animatedly. His tone was lighthearted but his words conveyed all of his seriousness. Every students' attention was focused on their teacher's riveting story. The professor was a new recruit for the university, but his entertaining yet educational lectures quickly made him one of the most popular teachers among the students.

A bell rang out before the students realized how much time had gone by, indicating the end of the class. The professor finished up his lecture smoothly before announcing in fluent Italian.

" _Alright, this is it for the day. Enjoy the holiday, people. But don't forget to hand in the profiling and analysis of the Russel Case when you're back. And remember, the best movie for Christmas is…"_

" _It's a Wonderful Life. We get it, Professor. You've mentioned it for the third time… Or the thirtieth."_ A young Italian woman interrupted with mock annoyance in her tone, resulting in a round of laughter from other students.

" _Ah, how nice of you to keep track of it, Laura. I feel so touched and appreciated. Alright, enough joking. Go home to your families, do stuff college kids usually do on vacation. Merry Christmas everyone. Dismiss."_

Tony DiNozzo addressed the group of students around him with a loud clap of his hands. The younglings excitedly packed their belongings and made their way to the exit, most of them took the time to give their teacher good wishes for the upcoming holiday. Tony smiled and replied to each of them cheerfully _._ As the last student left the room, Tony let out a content sigh before he started packing his bag.

It's been six months since Anthony DiNozzo Junior left America and came to Bologna, Italy. And so far, Tony was more than happy with his choice of profession and location.

In the end, it was one of Tony's frat brothers who brought up the offer. Matthew Grant had married and moved in with his Italian wife several years ago, the man was currently the football coach at Bologna University. According to Matthew, the principal, Signora Rosa, was a one of a kind old lady who plays by her own rule. Their Criminology Professor was already past the retirement age, and the principal had been looking for a replacement for years. Apparently, she despised all the textbook-perfect professionals and had been looking for someone with practical experience in law enforcement for a long time. Being a good friend with the principal, Matthew immediately thought of Tony DiNozzo when he heard her preference. He had sent a half-hearted e-mail with job descriptions and application to the NCIS Agent, but knowing how much Tony loved his job, Matthew didn't have much hope he would get a reply. To his surprise, he got one three months later.

Matthew was slightly shocked when Tony told him he had applied for the job. But after listening to the ongoing problems between his friend and his former team, the football coach had immediately informed the principal of the new applicant and set up an online meeting for them. To say the old lady and the younger man had hit it off from the start was an understatement. Tony had admired the older woman's bold and confident attitude, while still carrying a sense of humor similar to his own. Signora Rosa had listened intently to DiNozzo's more than a decade experience in law-enforcement, after that the principal had immediately taken a liking to the younger man's character. Even though DiNozzo kept saying he only had a degree in Phys Ed, Rosa had insisted 'She knew a good man for the right job when she saw one.'

After settling down in Bologna, Tony had gone through the official interview and education programs, before he started as the Assistant Professor by the Criminologist's side. The pair worked together for a month before the old professor retired for good, and Tony DiNozzo officially became Criminology Professor DiNozzo.

Initially, Tony still had some lingering doubts about becoming a real professor. Sure, he loved talking, and he had used the professor's image for undercover several times. But to actually turn his experience into teaching materials, and becoming a mentor for all those younglings, Tony couldn't help but feel some nervousness and insecurities creeping in. To the former federal agent's surprise, it was almost like second nature to him after his first lecture.

He had learned a lot during the month he worked by the previous professor's side. After that, Tony had read through all the teaching programs, before digesting, reconstructing, and turning them into his own DiNozzo Courses. Of course there're details he couldn't talk about or had to alter, but Tony had used the cases he had personally worked on as examples and fitted them into the subjects of his lectures. Tony had installed his Campfire method, and he would always add some lighthearted humor and his trademark movie references to balance the heavy topic of crime and corruption. The kids were responding great to his style, and Professor DiNozzo quickly became a well-liked and respected man at Bologna University.

The students would confide him about personal matters after class, and his colleagues had a lot of respect for him after learning he was a former federal agent. Tony was enjoying this new way to put his skills and experiences to good use, and the principal couldn't be more proud of her decision of bringing the younger man in.

NCISNCISNCIS

"Buon Natale, Professore DiNozzo."

Smiling at his TA, Mario. Tony gave the young Italian man the same blessing before sending him on his way home. It was Tony's last workday before a one-week-long vacation started. One of the perks of getting out of law enforcement was being able to enjoy the holidays without getting called in due to unexpected interruptions. Tony has been working non-stop for the last six months. The former agent was either studying his new profession or settling into the new lifestyle, so the vacation came as much-needed relief. Finishing up reviewing his students' assignments, Tony packed his bag and left his office.

The university was buzzing with the holiday atmosphere. A huge Christmas tree was sitting in the center of the campus. The lights and decorations wrapped around it were shining brilliantly even under the daylight. Students who hadn't gone home were scattered around the campus, either discussing their plans for the vacation or engaged in some kind of group games on the field in front of the Christmas tree. Tony smiled at the festive and peaceful sight. His old life as an agent was filled with death and violence, not to mention the frictions within his former team. Now the soothing lifestyle as a civilian was almost like therapy for Tony's traumatized heart.

On the way to the parking lot, students and teachers kept stopping Tony for friendly chatter along the brief walk. Tony had thought he would get restless from losing the excitement of being a field agent, but the Criminology Professor was a surprisingly fitting career for him. He was still helping people, making positive changes in people's life. The only difference was he didn't need to dodge bullets or risked getting blown up in the process. Sure, Tony was proud of being a part of law enforcement and he still missed that sense of duty from time to time. But the soothing and uneventful lifestyle was quickly becoming Tony's new preference.

Overall, Tony DiNozzo was having a good life. A much better one than he had previously.

Except when he was alone at home.

For months, Nightmares kept assaulting his restless mind during his sleep. Some times, Tony would be holding a bloody knife in his hand, Jethro Gibbs' lifeless body was lying before him with a gaping hole on his chest. A little girl was standing beside the man, her accusing eyes were boring straight into him. The others, Tony would be standing in the airport. After those unforgivable words had left his mouth, Gibbs just stood in silence for a few seconds, before the older man pulled his gun out and sent a bullet straight through Tony's forehead. After that, Gibbs had walked away without another word, the team following loyally behind him. None of them had looked back at him even once.

No matter which one assaulted his restless sleep, it all ended with Tony jumping out of bed in cold sweat while shouting his former boss's name.

He had found a safe and stable job, made new friends with his colleagues and students. He had better income than he ever had as a cop or an agent, and he had a nice apartment just a few minutes away from the campus. He's living a fulfilling and peaceful life, with people who genuinely liked and respected him. It should've been everything he was hoping for when he walked away from his previous life to start anew.

So, why did Tony feel like a big hole was left in his heart, one that he just couldn't fill up no matter how satisfied he was with his current life?

NCISNCISNCIS

After getting stopped by one friend after another, it took Tony almost half an hour to complete the five minutes walk from his office to the parking lot. As he got closer to his car, Tony saw a man was leaning against his vehicle. Smiling when he recognized the person, Tony waved and greeted the man warmly.

"Hey, Matt. Getting ready for the holiday?"

Matthew Grant looked up from his phone when he heard the other man called out. The football coach's face broke into a grin as he pulled his friend in a bear hug.

"Yup, I've got the perfect holiday schedule planned out. And you know what? It might just happen to include you if your stubborn ass just say yes."

Choking in surprise as the strong arms wrapped around him, Tony smiled apologetically at his friend. "I'm sorry man. I'm afraid my answer stayed the same."

Matthew had been inviting Tony to stay with his family during Christmas for the whole week. He didn't want Tony to spend his first Christmas in Bologna alone. But to the football coach's frustration, Tony always gave him a negative response every time he brought the subject up.

"Come on, Tony. I've already said you won't be a bother at all, if that's what you're worried about. Maria and the kids were really looking forward to having you stay with us." Apparently, the DiNozzo charm was still intact after all these years since Matthew's wife and kids had fallen to its victims just a few days after meeting his old-time friend. In just a few months, Uncle Tony had become a family member as far as Matthew was concerned.

Tony had considered telling Matthew he already had other plans, but he just couldn't bring himself to lie to the man who had helped him so much thorough the last six months. "I really appreciate the invitation. It's not like I don't want to hang out with you guys. But it's my first vacation since moving here, and I just feel I need some alone time to… collect my thoughts, you know?"

Matthew shook his head with a frustrated sigh. They had spent a lot of time together since Tony moved to Bologna. Matthew had watched Tony DiNozzo built his new life up step by step. And so fat, his friend had adapted from being an agent to a professor surprisingly well. Tony was a natural jokester who could always make people laugh with his humorous nature since college, and his passion for all kinds of movies only made him more popular among the younglings. He was polite and respectful with fellow professors, but casual enough to not be overly formal. As far as Matthew knew, almost everyone in the university loves Tony DiNozzo. The only problem was, there seemed to be an invisible barrier around Tony as he never got too close with anyone.

Over the last few months, Matthew had seen Tony deflected all the questions about his past life. He would play basketball with his students, sharing friendly banter with his fellow professors, but he always went somber when someone raised questions about his former job out of curiosity. Despite his natural charm and the easy-going personality, everyone soon learned that Professor DiNozzo was a private person who preferred not to share details about his past. Matthew knew Tony had parted way with his former team on bad terms, but he's had enough of seeing his friend so uncharacteristically withdrawn. Putting a hand on Tony's shoulder, Matthew stared into the other man's eyes and spoke firmly.

"Look, I don't know what exactly went down with your old team, but you can't be like this forever, Tony. You loved being around people. I understand you are probably having some kind of trust issue, but closing yourself off isn't the solution. You are not Agent DiNozzo anymore, Tony. And Professor DiNozzo is a damn popular guy. You can let new people in."

Tony looked at his friend in surprise and awe. Matthew had helped him a lot while he was settling into his new life, but this was the first time he had approached this subject. Matthew Grant was a perfect image of a stereotype jock in his college years, chugging beer as breakfast and partying until he couldn't even see straight. To see that Matthew has grown into a mature and sentimental man, Tony couldn't help but feel lucky for having such a good friend around.

"That was… pretty out of character of you, man. Aren't you supposed to be the overgrown jock?" Letting out a small yelp as the other man punched him lightly on the arm, Tony grinned at his friend. "Seriously though. I heard what you said, Matthew. I know I have issues, and I promise I'm working on them. But I really need this week to myself so I could sort my head out. Tell Maria and the kids I'll make it up to them, ok?"

Seeing his stubborn friend wasn't going to give in no matter what he said, Matthew sighed in defeat and took a step back. "Fine, but I'm gonna check up on you when I could. And if I find you drinking yourself silly in some shady bar on Christmas Eve, Maria and I will kick your sorry ass. That's a promise."

Chuckling at his friend's words, Tony couldn't help but felt warmth bubbled up inside of his heart. What Matthew was saying was 'Take care of yourself' and Tony got the message loud and clear. He had missed this, the feeling of having good friends who would look out for his well being.

"Thanks, man. Merry Christmas. Remember to give Maria and the kids my presents."

Giving the other man a brief hug and a pat on the back, Matthew replied in a resigned tone. "Will do. Merry Christmas, Tony. And you better make good use of your 'alone time' to think about what I just told you."

The professor just gave him a wan smile before entering his car with a wave of his hand. Matthew looked on as his friend drove away. Letting out a defeated sigh, Matthew walked back to his own transportation. Tony was having a good and fulfilling life here, that much Matthew was sure. But there was something missing, something that made Tony DiNozzo felt like a complete person.

And somehow, Matthew had a feeling that no matter how hard he tried to help his friend, the only person who could mend the situation was Tony himself.

TBC


	10. Hiraeth

_Hiraeth_

_(n.) A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places for your past._

Though it was only midday, the street was already lively with the holiday atmosphere. Colorful lights were strung along the walkways, stands selling Christmas gifts and sweets were buzzing with life in the market. People were strolling around with happiness on their faces. Away from all the joyful commotions though, a lone man sat by himself in a quiet corner of the city.

Sitting alone in an open-air cafe, Tony DiNozzo was staring at his cellphone with a pained expression. The contact name 'Ducky' was glowing on the screen, but the professor made no move to make the call.

He had promised Ducky and Jimmy he would contact them after he had settled down. He had told Tim, Ziva, and Abby he's willing to stay in touch. But Tony never contacted any of them after he got onto the plane that day, and none of them had tried to reach him either. After the disaster that went down in the airport, Tony just felt like he no longer had the face to talk to any of them.

His action had truly cut ties with all of them, just like he intended when he threw those unforgivable words at his former mentor. Tony had thought he could use the holiday as an excuse to call someone from his old life, to find some kind of closure and move on. But in the end, his guilt and self-doubt won out. Letting out a heavy sigh, Tony eventually put the phone back into his pocket. Ignoring the festive atmosphere emitting from the market at the end of the street, the professor looked up and gazed at the winter sky. It was a pale gray day, too gloomy for Christmas, or maybe it's just a projection of his mood.

Fishing around the books packed in his backpack, Tony found the newspaper he had brought in the morning. With his plan to find reconciliation failed, might as well use the time to catch up on some reading. Too engrossed with the article, Tony didn't notice when a figure slowly approached his table from the other side.

"Is the seat taken?"

Tony looked up when a deep voice addressed him. The man was wearing a grey hat, paired with a thick trench coat in the same color. A steaming styrofoam cup was clutched in his gloved hand. The man's blue eyes were staring straight at Tony's face, patiently waiting for his reply. Seeing no option to get out of this, Tony sighed and put down the paper in his hand. "Seat's free. But we can find somewhere more private if you're just here to shoot me."

Chuckling softly at the younger man's reply, Jethro Gibbs took the seat and put his hat onto the table. "No one's getting shot today, DiNozzo."

Sitting across the table facing each other, both men fell silent after the brief interaction. Tony was internally panicking. He had no doubt Gibbs could find his whereabouts if he wanted to, but he thought the older man would never bother with him anymore, unless he decided to do what he hadn't done in the airport and finish him off. But at the moment, sitting at a cafe table by the street in Bologna, Gibbs looked calm and relaxed, almost relieved. What reason made Gibbs flew all the way here, Tony didn't know. But he decided to take the chance and say the word that's been swirling in his mind for months.

"What I said at the airport… I didn't mean any of it, Gibbs. You would be a great father and Kelly would be the happiest girl. I'm sorry for even thinking about those things, but you were yelling and wouldn't let me go, I didn't know how else could I shake you off. So I…"

"You chose to piss me off, like what I did to you."

Tony winced at the older man's blunt response, because that's exactly what he did. He had been devastated when he learned what Gibbs had done to him, but in the end, perhaps he was equally bad at expressing his true feelings.

"And it worked. I would have shoot anyone who said that to me if it wasn't you." The older man replied in a calm voice, which didn't sound reassuring at all considered the words he just said.

Feeling his heart tightened in guilt, Tony made another attempt to convey his feeling. "Gibbs, what I said was out of line and I can't tell you how sorry I am, but…" The rest of his words were swiftly cut off by the other man.

"I'm not taking your apology."

Hanging his head in shame and acceptance, Tony felt his heart went cold in despair. Of course Gibbs wouldn't take an apology from something like this. Despite what Gibbs had done to him, using the older man's most painful memories against him was something that should never be done. Gibbs wasn't here to shoot him, but he probably had countless ways to punish him. Tony only had himself to blame, so he shut his mouth and waited for the other man's next move. But what his former boss said next made Tony looked up in surprise.

"Because… I'd say it makes us even."

NCISNCISNCIS

Watching the younger man's stunned expression, Gibbs felt a mixture of intense feelings when he looked into those green eyes he was so familiar with. The last six months had been… an experience Gibbs would never forget for the rest of his life. After he finally got his mind sorted out, Gibbs had wanted to catch the first flight he could and find his former second in command, but lessons taught him it would be another bad idea. They all needed more time to adjust to their new lives. Days went by, six months had passed and Christmas rolled around. Taking advantage of the holiday, Gibbs managed to ask Vance to take the team off for a whole week. He had taken the earliest flight he could find and fly to Italy as soon as the vacation started.

Now, as he was finally seated face to face with the man he had missed for so long, Gibbs finally got the chance to bear his true feelings. Tony's face had frozen in shock when he heard what Gibbs just said, and to the silver-haired man's non-surprise, the younger man immediately started voicing his objections.

"No. No it doesn't, Gibbs. I can't believe you're letting me off the hook just like this! Yes, you've been a total bastard to me for a long time, but what I said was a completely different matter! I had no right to talk about…"

"Yes, it does. In fact, I probably still owe you more. If things like this could be compared." Gibbs interrupted the other man's frantic ramble. Raising his hand when he saw Tony opened his mouth again, Gibbs continued.

"You said I didn't deserve my daughter, I knew you only said it to get me off your back. But what I did, it went on for a long time. I betrayed your trust in me, and in the process… I made you feel as worthless as your father said you were."

Seeing Tony's stunned expression, mixed with surprise and pain, Gibbs knew he had finally said the right thing.

"Even though you only said that to piss me off, you were right, Tony. I would probably be a completely different person if Kelly and Shanon were still with me. But, if somehow. I ended up being the same bastard I was, and if I ever treated Kelly like how I treated you, I would never be able to live with myself."

"And to be honest, watching you leave felt even worse than losing them." Taking a sip of his hot coffee, Gibbs swallowed the bitter liquid to soothe his nerves before letting the next sentence out.

"I lost my wife and daughter to something I couldn't control, but I lost the man I had considered a son because I pushed him away myself."

Gibbs watched as Tony's eyes widened, a visible flinch shook his body as if he just received a physical slap. He had wanted to say those words to DiNozzo for months, but it seemed like he was years too late. Gibbs gave the younger man a small sad smile. "Guess I never let you know about that, huh?"

"What are you really doing here, Gibbs? Haven't you played with my feeling long enough?" Tony replied after a long moment of pause, his eyes were hard and cold, but there's something else wavering in those green orbs. Confusion, disbelief, and a trace of longingness. Instead of replying immediately, Gibbs took another sip of the drink before he put the cup back onto the table.

"Can you do me a favor, DiNozzo?"

The younger man raised an incredulous eyebrow, but he didn't reject right away. So Gibbs carried on. "You know I'm a functional mute, so I'm kinda out of my comfort zone being the talker right now. Just… don't interrupt me before I finish. After that, I'll leave if you want me to. Can you do that for me?"

Gibbs could almost see the cogs turning in Tony's head. It took the younger man almost a full minute to let out a sigh, before leaning back into his chair with arms crossed over his chest. Taking the gesture as silent permission, Gibbs gave the younger man a grateful smile before he opened his mouth.

"It was a Friday night, many years ago."

NCISNCISNCIS

Looking up to make sure the younger man was listening, Gibbs took a deep breath and carried on his monologue. He had prepared himself for this moment for so long, it almost felt surreal when he was finally facing the younger man.

"I was sanding the boat, one that was almost finished. Then I asked, 'What name do you recon for this one, DiNozzo?' but I got no response. It actually took me a moment to realize you weren't even there."

Looking at the younger man's confused face, Gibbs went on with the explanation. "Among the people who'd come to my house, it was either ex-wife looking for trouble or someone who wants to kill me. Except for you, Tony. I didn't just invite anyone over for steak and beer, or have small talks in the basement. You were the only one I let close enough to do that. I don't know how you, a cocky detective I picked up in Baltimore did that, but you did."

Chuckling softly at the last part, the corners of Gibbs' mouth lifted up. They had shared so many fond memories in that house together. Sharing a quiet dinner, having a midnight talk in the basement, taking care of each other when one of them was sick or injured. Those lost days felt like a lifetime ago.

"At that moment, I was terrified. I was getting too used to your presence, you were becoming more than an agent to me, Tony. You became something far more important than that. I gotta be careful and put some distance between us. Because if I didn't, I'm gonna start putting you before other agents, before the case and everything else. I couldn't do that as the team lead and your boss. It's just a brief thought, not even a decision really. But then…" Taking a deep breath, Gibbs let the word out softly. "Then… I got blown up."

He saw Tony tensed up, apparently guessed where the story was heading, but he didn't open his mouth. Gibbs took another sip of the hot drink before he resumed talking, his voice thick with emotions.

"My memories had always been spotty after I woke up in the hospital, some details just never came back. I guess that night in the basement was one of them. After I came back from Mexico, it's like my subconscious kept warning me 'don't get too close with DiNozzo', but I didn't understand why. I knew you were my second in command and you're a great agent, but I couldn't figure out why I felt the need to keep you at arm's length. You know how I always listened to my gut, and that's what I did."

Tony's face had remained impressively emotionless up to this point. Sighing, Gibbs averted his eyes from the man sitting across from him. All the guilts were resurfacing at once, making him unable to look at the younger man.

"I made the mistake of following my instinct instead of looking at what's right in front of me. I pushed you away unconsciously, despite knowing there's definitely something wrong with that action. You said I've changed after I came back from Mexico, and you're right. We… I became distant, but you never questioned me about it, and I never realized what I was doing either. Then I noticed how Tim and Ziva acted around you, and my messed up mind made the assumptions that it was how we always interact with each other. Years went on, and… you know the rest."

DiNozzo and he didn't hit it off from the start. But after working together for a few months, Gibbs was sure he made the right choice picking the young detective as his partner. No one would have thought they would work well together at first glance, but somehow, their differences completed each other. The stoic Marine and the cheeky detective quickly became a formidable two-men team in NCIS. And to Gibbs' surprise, DiNozzo's constant craving for approvals and the neglected child impression had somehow triggered his long-lost paternal instinct.

Ultimately, the reason Gibbs had considered keeping Tony at arm's length, was to protect himself. He was afraid his role for the younger man would become more of a father than a boss, which could compromise his judgment during investigations and operations. But the idea had seeded in his mind in a twisted way, which led to his shifted behavior after coming out of the coma, and the eventual fall out with the younger man he had once cherished so much.

The sun was setting and it cast an orange hue on the street. He had prepared this speech for so long, but he wasn't trying to achieve anything with it. Gibbs was done with all the secrets-keeping and manipulations, he simply wanted to share his true feeling with the younger man. Whatever Tony decided to deal with him next, Gibbs would go with it without a second thought. The younger man had already built a stable new life here, Gibbs had no intention to disrupt it more than he had to.

"Telling me these now doesn't fix anything, you know that right?" Tony's voice was strained, sounding like he was trying really hard to keep himself in control.

"I know, and I didn't do it to fix anything. You don't have to believe or forgive me, but I meant every word of it, Tony. It took me a lot of time to sort my head out, and I thought you deserve to know the truth. That's all."

Seeing DiNozzo didn't give him a reaction immediately, Gibbs put his hat back on and picked up his styrofoam cup. "I've said what I came here for. I can leave now if you don't want to deal with me anymore. It's your call now, Tony."

The silence stretched on between the two men for a minute. Gibbs could hear the pedestrians chatting in Italian as they walked past the street. The crunches of tires as vehicles drove through the gravel road. And Tony's slightly heavier-than-normal breathing, indicating the younger man was fighting against his own emotions. Finally, Tony took a deep breath before he opened his mouth without looking at him.

"How do I even know it's the truth? For all I know, you could make all that up just to justify yourself."

Smiling sadly, Gibbs completely understood why Tony would think like that. After everything that went down during the last few years, Tony had no reason to believe what he was just told. Still, Gibbs needed DiNozzo to hear his words. Not just for his own peace of mind, but for the younger man's sack as well. Gibbs knew the younger man would be plagued with guilt from what he said in the airport. Gibbs didn't need Tony's forgiveness, because frankly, he didn't deserve one. But he hoped this visit could help the younger man in forgiving himself.

Taking out his wallet, Gibbs pulled a small object out of it. Showing the small piece of splintered wood to the younger man, Gibbs rubbed his thumb across the rough surface, his blue eyes fixed on the broken timber as he spoke in a reminiscing voice.

"It's a reminder for myself. The fact is, those things only came back to me when I was hacking the boat up. Pretty ironic huh?" Gibbs said in a soft voice, his finger still stroking the piece of chopped wood in his hand.

"You did what!?"

Chuckling at the younger man's exclaim, Gibbs didn't expect that would be the line to get a reaction out of him. Turning his head to gaze at the lively street beside them, Gibbs became lost in his memories.

NCISNCISNCIS

Six months ago, after his former second in command had said those cruel words to him, Gibbs barely managed to control himself not to shoot the man right there in the airport. He had stormed out of the building and drove straight home, probably breaking every traffic law in the process. Once he stepped into the house, Jethro Gibbs had broken down completely, something he hadn't done ever since he received the news of his wife and daughter's passing years ago. The silver-haired man had started cursing and yelling like a mad man, flipping pieces of furniture over, smashing every piece of tableware he could find. He was furious at DiNozzo's for leaving like that. For the painful memories the younger man's parting words had brought up. But most of all, Gibbs was angry and disappointed in himself. His obsession had gotten the better of him, and he chose to push when he should've let go. They were having a good start when they started talking in the airport, now Gibbs only had himself to blame for the disastrous outcome.

Vance had said his team was not allowed in the bullpen until they sorted the situation with DiNozzo out. At the moment, Gibbs felt like no amount of time would be enough for him to sort this mess out. He stopped coming into the bullpen the next day, instead the lead agent had locked himself in the basement with a seemingly unlimited supply of Bourbon. The team had tried to engage him, but with all the alcohol in his system combined with his dark spirit, none of them stuck with him for too long. Even Ducky had given up on him after an empty bottle was thrown against the wall a few inches away from his face.

A whole week had passed. Jethro Gibbs had done nothing except holing up in his deserted house, getting himself dead drunk with Bourbon, cursing DiNozzo, and feeling sorry for himself. On a fateful night, Gibbs had gone down to the basement after one particularly bad round of drinking. Gibbs stared at the half-finished boat sitting innocently in the middle of the basement for a moment before he turned to the working table. Instead of the sanding block, Gibbs had taken a machete and started swinging the weapon on the almost finished boat. The impacts and the breaking of woods under it should've made him felt something, but Gibbs didn't stop until his hours' worth of work became a pile of splintered woods on the floor. The once beautiful structure was now shattered and destroyed, just like DiNozzo's and his relationship. Gibbs' chest was heaving from exertion, his hair was a mess and his haggard face was drenched in sweat and tears. Looking at the ruins on the floor, Gibbs could only feel emptiness and unbearable loneliness. Then he lifted his head to look at the stairs across the room. As Gibbs stared at the empty staircase, the spot where a familiar figure used to sit, he suddenly felt a wave of dizziness as something clicked inside his head.

That's when he remembered.

NCISNCISNCIS

The sun was setting, street lights were lighting up and the soft breeze blowing past him was getting colder. But none of those things registered Tony DiNozzo. His brain was working too fast for him to notice anything around him.

Tony felt slightly dizzy. He felt like the reality was suddenly turned upside down for him. Firstly. Gibbs, his former mentor, the man that's been plaguing his dream for months, was sitting right in front of him in Bologna. Secondly. The man had just told him a fairytale-like story. Yes, Tony felt guilty about what he said to the older man that day, but he didn't forget what Gibbs had done to him for months. A part of him wanted to tell Gibbs to take his made-up bullshit back to DC. But another part could tell the older man was telling the truth, because it put everything in a new perspective.

Jethro Gibbs had always been gruff and unapproachable. Even before Mexico, there were times Tony was slightly hurt by Gibbs' sarcasm and poor attempts of joking at his expense, but Tony always knew the older man _cared._ It was after that explosion where Gibbs became cold and distant. Even though he went through a traumatic event, leaving all the responsibilities to him with a pitiful 'You'll do' was something the old Gibbs would never do to him.

Behavior and personality changes were always complications that occurred to patients who went through the coma, Tony knew that. So he had tried to give Gibbs the space and time he needed, to clear his head and find his old self. But the older man had avoided any contact with him for months, before coming back like a different man. A man that acted like he no longer considered his second in command a friend.

Gibbs said he had thought of him as a son. That was the part that threw Tony in a turmoil. Everyone knew Tony DiNozzo looked up to his boss and always craved for the older man's approval. It was partly due to his father complex, but more importantly, Tony genuinely respected Jethro Gibbs as a man. The longer they had been partners, the closer Tony felt he got with the older man. He started visiting the older man's house, sharing beers and dinners, having conversations about personal matters. While in the field, Tony could predict Gibbs' thoughts and act in coordination without needing to hear the older man's word. Over time, Tony's feelings for the other man changed. Before, Tony only saw Gibbs as a respectable mentor. But as time went on, Tony often wondered 'What if my father was a man like Gibbs?' The other man became something more meaningful and intimate than just his boss, but Tony had never dreamed the older man would have the same feeling in return.

If what Gibbs said was the truth. That he really thought DiNozzo as something more important than a friend, and the reason behind his behavior was some kind of amnesia-induced personality change. What should Tony do now? The damage from Gibbs' estrange attitude for years had cut deep. And Tony couldn't just forget the manipulation Gibbs had subjected him to, which ultimately led to his resignation. But at the same time, he didn't want to hold the grudge against his former mentor forever either.

Hearing Gibbs saying he had thought of him like a family member was something Tony never dared to dream of. Things could turn out completely different if Gibbs had given him this speech at the airport that day.

Reconciliation was something Tony thought was lost between his former mentor and him. Still, Tony couldn't just give in to the temptation that easily. He needed more confirmation of where the older man really stood with him, before he could decide whether he should let his former mentor back into his new life.

"Let's say I don't believe a word you just said, what are you gonna do now?"

Gibbs didn't even blink or wince. The silver-haired man just smiled softly and spoke in a calm voice. "Then I'm gonna find a hotel on the other side of town, and enjoy the rest of my vacation without bothering you. From what I gathered, Professor DiNozzo is a pretty popular guy. Surely you have plans for the holiday that doesn't need my interruption."

Of course the older man had done his homework before facing him. Gibbs had been acting civil and understanding since he sat down in front of him, which only made it harder for Tony to make the decision. The professor swallowed hard as he contemplated his next move.

"Even if what you said were true, it's too late. We have our separate lives now. And I… I've moved on."

Instead of acting let down, Gibbs' mouth lifted into a knowing smirk as he asked. "Then why are you still reading DC's newspaper, Professor DiNozzo?"

Cursing under his breath, Tony had completely forgotten the newspaper still clutched in his hand. Though he couldn't bring himself to contact his old team, Tony had kept track of everyone for the last six months. He knew Team Gibbs had stopped all activities for about a month after his departure. He knew when Tim had heroically rescued a little girl, when Ziva almost got blown up in a high profile operation, when Gibbs received a medal for closing a human trafficking ring. Feeling embarrassed for showing his lingering attachment, Tony hastily stuffed the newspaper back into his backpack while avoiding the older man's eyes.

"You can hide from us, but you can't lie to yourself, Tony. You still cared about us, probably more than we ever cared about you. And you wouldn't still be sitting here if you really think what I told you were all made up crap."

Tony wanted to voice some objections, but he knew it would be futile. Because what Gibbs said were true. He had felt disappointed and betrayed by his former team, but he never hated them with passion. It's been an eventful afternoon, Tony needed more time to contemplate how should he handle his relationship with Gibbs from now on.

"It's been years, Gibbs. I've wanted to hear those things from you for so long, but after everything that happened… I can't just take your word for it. I want to give us a chance, but I need some time to process this… new development."

Nodding in agreement, Gibbs replied gently. "You don't have to decide anything now. But I would appreciate it if you're willing to talk to me again when you're ready. And, there's one last thing…"

Tony held his breath. He wasn't sure he could take any more revelation from the older man today.

"At the airport, you said I never cared about what you wanted. I've given it a lot of thoughts for the last few months. And my guess is… It's not Tim and Ziva's apology you wanted. Nor was seeing me resigned as some kind of makeup for you."

Gibbs was speaking without looking at Tony, his eyes fixed on the almost empty cup on the table. This was the question that made him pushed the younger man over the edge in the airport. After he had remembered what he had lost, Gibbs had spent so much time pondering that question. He had known DiNozzo for almost a decade, it shouldn't be something that required him to interrogate the younger man. Now it's finally time for him to verify his answer.

"What you wanted… I guess, you wanted us to be more than just a team. You don't usually act like it, but I knew you saw all of us more than just coworkers, Tony. You wanted to be a part of us where you could just be yourself. For us to be like a family. And I…"

"Stop."

Gibbs' mouth immediately stopped moving. For a moment, he thought he had made the wrong guess and screwed up yet again. But when he looked up, it's not anger that he saw on the younger man's face. Tears were trickling down Tony's cheeks, his face was twisted in a mixture of surprise, regret, and sorrow.

"You can't do this."

Tony couldn't stop the tears from leaking out. His voice was choking as he squeezed the words out.

"You can't just push me away first, then came back and said all the right things to make me start questioning myself all over again."

He wanted to grab his backpack and get the hell away from the older man. Tony never thought Gibbs could figure his deepest desire out, now he felt bare and naked in front of the older man. But before Tony could react, he was pulled into a pair of strong arms and held tightly against his former mentor.

"Not trying to make you question yourself, DiNozzo. To be honest, I'd say you made the right call leaving for good. If you had stayed in DC, I would be too obsessed with dragging you back, and never stopped long enough to figure out what the real problem was."

Holding the younger man tight against his own body, Gibbs felt wetness started spreading on his shoulder. Not caring the glances from the pedestrians, Gibbs started stroking Tony's head as he whispered in the weeping man's ear.

"I'm sorry, Tony. For everything."

Gibbs held the younger man close as tears seeped into the fabric of his coat. Tony didn't fight the physical contact, but leaned into the older man's body and let his emotion out. The pair stayed like that for a few minutes, before Tony eventually pulled away from the other man. Wiping his red eyes dry, Tony leaned back into his chair and let out a shuddering sigh. Tony felt exhausted and emotionally drained. This was not how he imagined he would spend the first day of his vacation.

Gibbs was now sitting in the chair beside the other man instead of across from him. He had let Tony go from the embrace, but his right hand was still resting protectively on the younger man's shoulder. "Losing you was… It hit all of us hard. And… we miss you, Tony. A lot."

Swallowing the emotion that threatened to spill out again, Tony asked in a tired voice. "So, what are we now?"

"I'll take whatever you want us to be. But you gave me ten years of your life, DiNozzo. After everything that happened, I'm willing to spend just as long to convince you it wasn't for nothing, if you'd let me." The older man replied with a soft smile.

Gibbs didn't get his answer immediately. As the silence dragged on, the older man started to fidget slightly. He gave the younger man's shoulder a gentle squeeze and asked tentatively. "So… are we good?"

Tony wouldn't believe it if anyone told him the Marine could act nervous and uncertain, but that was exactly how Gibbs sounded right now. Thinking how was he going to answer for a moment, Tony tentatively started talking without meeting the older man's eyes.

"What you just told me, Gibbs. It… it's a lot to take in. I want to give us a second chance, but after everything that happened… I don't think we can jump from wanting to strangle each other to good after just one conversation."

Though he should've expected this, Gibbs couldn't hide his disappointment as his shoulders slumped down dejectedly. Pulling the hand on the younger man's shoulder away, Gibbs' action was stopped when Tony gently grabbed his wrist with a small genuine smile on his face.

"But, I think we just took the first step in the right direction."

Tony watched Gibbs' body stilled for a few seconds, as he absorbed the words. Then the silver-haired man gave him a bright grateful smile, an expression Tony hadn't seen on the older man's face for years. They had shared almost a whole decade of history, which was not something to get over with easily. Despite the tragic way they parted, sometimes Tony still pondered the possibilities of things turning out differently. But what's done is done. Now Tony had to continue his journey as Professor DiNozzo. But, if there's a chance for Gibbs to somehow remain in his life, Tony was willing to bear his heart just one more time and give them a chance to build something new.

Then he saw Gibbs reached a hand into his coat. For a moment, Tony thought the last few hours were just a dream, and Gibbs would pull out a gun and shoot him like how his nightmare always ended. Instead, what Gibbs pulled out was a small box. The thing was about the size of his palm, wrapped in Navy blue paper with a yellow bow ribbon elegantly tied on it. Then Gibbs placed the thing on the table right in front of him and stared at him expectantly. Tony just looked at the object in confusion. No way could it be what he thought it was.

"Um… Gibbs?" Tony asked with uncertainty.

"It's Christmas, DiNozzo." The older man replied with a shrug of one shoulder as if that was a perfectly understandable explanation.

"A Christmas present? For me?"

Gibbs didn't reply. Instead, the response Tony got was a gentle tap on the back of his head. Wincing in surprise at the light impact, Tony rubbed at the spot out of habit as he stared at Gibbs in bewilderment.

"No, it's for the barista. Who else do you think it's for when I put it right under your nose?"

And just like that, it's like he was suddenly sent back through several years. The gentle tap on his head, the gruff sarcasm, the gestures that let Tony knew he meant something more than just a co-worker to the older man. This was the Jethro Gibbs Tony respected and looked up to all those years ago.

Wearing a big grin on his face, Tony picked up the wrapped box and shook it slightly just for show, he asked the older man with a mischievous smile. "It's not anything explosive or inappropriate, is it Gibbs?"

"Stop stalling and open the damn thing, DiNozzo."

Chuckling at his former boss' impatience, Tony complied before gently took off the ribbon and the wrapping paper. As he pulled the object out of the box, Tony's breath caught in his throat and his heart stopped for a moment. Clutched in his hand was an exact replica of his NCIS badge, made with beautiful cherry wood and delicately carved to every detail. The whole thing was sanded to silky smoothness and coated in shiny varnish. Tony couldn't help but stared at the artwork in awe, his thumb gliding gently across the word 'Special Agent'. The hours of hard-work being poured into it were impossible to miss. As he turned the object around, Tony felt his eyes involuntarily welled up when he saw the elegantly engraved letters on the back of the badge.

_Semper Fi. L.J. Gibbs._

Watching the younger man staring speechless at the present clutched in his hand, Gibbs was internally freaking out. He didn't know if Tony would get the wrong idea, fearing the younger man would think he was digging at him about leaving that life behind. He only wanted to give Tony a reminder about how incredible of an agent he once was. When Tony looked up at him with tears in his eyes and a lopsided grin, Gibbs realized his concern was unneeded.

"Thank you, Gibbs. It's… it's beautiful. I don't know what else to say."

Gibbs nodded at Tony's emotional voice. A sense of relief washed over him. After years of mistreatment, he had finally done the right things and reached the DiNozzo's heart. Then the younger man suddenly exclaimed in a slightly panicked voice.

"Shit, I don't have a present for you!"

Gibbs' brows furrowed in annoyance. Was Tony seriously being upset about that? "Wasn't expecting one, DiNozzo. I'm the one crashing your holiday here."

Putting the wooden badge back into the box carefully, Tony said insistently. "Nope, I can't just take something like this without giving something back. How long are you staying? I could…"

Gibbs held a hand up and interrupted the younger man's rambling. "I don't need anything in return, Tony. I've been wanting to give that to you for a long time, the holiday was just a convenient excuse. But… I would appreciate it if you could do something for me."

Tony was looking at Gibbs intently while waiting for the request. Choosing his words carefully, Gibbs made the suggestion with a somewhat sheepish expression. "Well, I managed to talk Vance into giving us a whole week off. And… We are kind of looking for a tour guide around here. If you don't have other plans, that is."

Tony stilled for a second as he weighed his options. The last few hours had put a few pieces of their shattered relationship back together, and Tony now felt like there's a good chance for his former mentor and him to build something new between them. Showing the older man around the city that was his new home could be the perfect opportunity for them to….

Wait, _we_?

"You mean… They're all here? In the city?"

Watching Tony's eyes widened as the realization hit him, Gibbs smirked in amusement at the younger man's delayed reaction. "You don't even know how much trouble I went through to order them not to follow me here today."

Tony hesitated. He was so invested in the conversations he had shared with his former boss, the others' existence never registered with him until now. "I… I'm not sure how to face them."

"They just want to see how you're doing, Tony. We've all changed. I know I kinda cornered you here today, but you didn't push me away and listened to what I have to say. You gave me a chance, perhaps they deserve one too."

Seeing the younger man took on a troubled expression, Gibbs knew it's time to stop pushing. The silver-haired man finished his remaining coffee before patting DiNozzo on the shoulder.

"It's been a long day. Go home, get some rest." Picking up his empty cup, Gibbs stood up and looked Tony in the eyes with sincerity. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Tony. It's your decision and I won't tell you what to do. But none of them stopped thinking about you ever since you left, that much I could tell."

Gibbs placed a piece of paper on the table, and Tony saw a phone number and an address were scribbled on it. The silver-haired man said gently. "You know where to find us. And… It's good to see you, Tony."

With that, Gibbs turned back and walked away from the cafe. Tony watched as the older man's figure faded into the darkness of the night. Pocketing the note his former mentor had left, Tony shouldered his backpack and started making his way home. Casting a look at the direction Gibbs had disappeared, Tony whispered the words softly, though no one was there to hear it except for himself.

"Good to see you too, Gibbs."

NCISNCISNCIS

Sitting on his soft bed, Tony DiNozzo gazed at the nightscape outside of the French window. The city was a beautiful sight, more so with all the lights and decorations going on for the holiday. Tony felt bone-tired from the emotional turmoil he just went through, but his mind was turning too fast for him to fall asleep. He could never predict the way today just turned out even in his wildest dream.

Placing the wooden badge on his nightstand, Tony got lost in his thoughts as he stared at the present. The people he had walked away were right here in the same city as him. Flopping down onto his soft bed, Tony let out an exhausted sigh. He had wanted to contact them for months, but now the prospect of meeting them was making him anxious as hell.

Tony had given Gibbs the chance to talk due to his lingering guilt about the parting word he had left, but he truly didn't know how would he react when he faced the two junior agents, the forensic scientist, and the autopsy pair. But deep down, Tony already knew the decision he will make.

Matthew's word in the parking lot ringed in Tony's head. Perhaps, starting anew wasn't just about building a new life, making peace with the past was as crucial. With a final look at his former mentor's gift, Tony closed his eyes and drifted off.

That night, Tony DiNozzo had his first dreamless night since he came to Bologna.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. Tony and Gibbs' relationship was what got me hooked to the show, but the chemistry just felt different and tainted after Gibbs came back from Mexico. While this is a Tony Leaves story, it's also a father & son fix-it story with excessive setups.
> 
> A huge thank you for everyone who had encouraged me along the journey. The next chapter will be the last one. Hopefully it won't take as long and it'll be a satisfying conclusion for most of the reader. Until next time.


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